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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Details I talked to Josh last night...about alot of things.He was mad that I didnt talk to him on Valentines Day,and I understand that,he dosent understand how I can get fucked up so much by myself.I told him that it didnt bother me and that I have done it my whole life.But now that I think about it,it does bother me a little.I mean,I sit here and I get all fucked up,by myself.And because I am by myself,that kindof gets me sad.I mean,when I get fucked up,I usually get mad,I get mad about alot of things and at alot of things.I drink myself to the point that I just pass out,that I just lay where ever I want and pass out.And yeah,thats alot safer then going out and doing that,but why do I HAVETO drink myself to the point that I pass out?Why do I HAVETO get that fucked up? ** And When We Meet** He says that he is coming back,that he isnt staying for a couple of extra months,and it scared me.And I told him why..I didnt actually tell him that it scared me,I just told him that I dont want to fuck up his life,he told me that I couldnt fuck it up,that being with me feels like he has his best friend back,and that made me let some tears sneak out.It meant so much to me that he said that.He said some stuff about the drugs,or the drinking,I am not sure which one he was actually talking about,I have no problem with pot,I mean,I dont HAVETO smoke it,and I wouldnt all the time,I dont now.I just have it,I have it for those certain days,and when its gone,I wont get anymore,screw it,I dont need it,but the drinking,the drinking...thats gonna be hard.He dosent understand that I dont have much,that even what he told me I did have...its not enough for me,he hasto understand that I am not sure why I drink so much,I wish I didnt HAVETO,but I do,I do HAVETO drink,I try to slow down all the time,but then that leads me just to drinking at home.And then if I dont drink at all...it leads me to stay in bed all the time.I wanted to tell him that I probably could slow down if he was here...but he dosent understand that when I say I have "nothing"it means that I dont have him.I dont have him here giving me a reason.I dont have him here in my life,being able to look at him and know thats a reason to slow down,and I do that with Ty,I start drinking beer left and right when we are at the bowling alley,and I watch him play the games,and just having fun,and thats what gets me...I dont want to drink anymore.I love him being happy.And how can someone be happy when the only person in their life,the person thats soppouse to make them happy,is drinking all the time? **Somebodys Hiding** Kyle has been coming and going lately,he came friday night,his light in my room was on,I asked Ty if he turned it on,he told me that he didnt,and he said that with this scared look in his eyes,I told him not to worry that it was just Kyle making sure we still know he is here.I came home tonight to walk into my room,finding his light flickering,and when I smile at it,it almost stopped,and when I told him that I loved him,it just turned on. **My Love Is A Life Taker** I stopped taking my zoloft,I dont know why all of a sudden I stopped it,I just cant afford it these days and I really dont want it anymore.I want to make myself stronger,I want to just let go.. just let it all out.If I have some sort of mental breakdown,then o well,if I have bad nights,o well,I want to do this on my own,I dont want pills to help me,I have this aweome person in my life,why do I need them?Why cant this person go through this shit with me?Why do I need the pills?I dont want them anymore,and it gets me mad that I think in this little spot in the back of my head,that if I dont take them,if I dont stay on them,then I will just be even more fucked up then what I already am. **Tearing Out My Heart** I had a really fucked up dream last night,I had a dream that I had a baby,a little girl,and her name was Lily Rose,and that Josh was there but it was like,yeah this is our kid,I didnt even know I was going to have a baby,it was so fucked up,it was like all of a sudden I have this kid,and its ours and now what the hell are we going to do since we didnt know about it at all.I woke up and I had this feeling,this feeling of like"god,that would feel so weird to have a baby".I dont know what it all means,it kindof scared me at first,but I know that everything is okay,I know I am not pregnant,I know this because I took a test. **Adult Content** I get scared when I have sex,I always have this stupid idea that I am going to end up pregnant,even though I am on the pill,even though I have had this feeling my whole life,I have always took a test with everyone I was with.And most of the people I have slept with was with a condom,plus the pill,I mean I am always careful,but I always get scared.Ever since Ty,I get scared.I think I took over 1,000 tests with Dan,I mean,I just totally panic.I was scared when I took one with Kyle,but the last one I took,right before he died..I was kindof bummed out about,I wanted those two pink lines to show up.And with Josh,I took it like 4 days ago,and it scared me,but it only scared me because I didnt want to have him feel like I trapped him,dont get me wrong,I am so happy that I am not,I dont want to do that shit right now...no way...no how,that scares me,but I wouldnt mind,I mean if I was,I was..what could I do kindof thing?And then I have this fucked up dream,and I really dont like what it could mean when you put it altogether.Im just top damn paranoid about everything. *Just Go Ahead Now** I got so drunk that I bought weapons off E bay saturday night.Yeah,300 bucks worth of shit,shit that I will be to afraid of even touching,afraid that I will just fuck myself up.But then again,I think its cool that I did.I mean,when I go out,I always end up getting fucked with,and Im always"oh so nice"and that leads to trouble,that always leads to some guy who thinks he can bring me home,and I need to make sure that they know that Iam not some whore,that they can not put their hands on me.I sat outside in my backyard the other night,and I actually got scared.I thought that some guy,some person could so totally rape me,I mean they could hide in the alley,they could hide in the bush,behind the wood,behind the tree or even the shed,it so could totally happen,I walked up to the store,and on the corner theres some mexicans...sure enough the one was like, mamacita,or whatever,and even one the way to the store,some black guy stopped and asked me if i needed a ride.Now why the hell would I be walking if I wanted a ride?I haveto start carring something,theres to many people out there that are freaks.People who just dont care. 9:27 p.m. - 2004-02-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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