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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Grab a fork and come on in I woke up this morning with the sound of my phone ringing,answering machine being turned on and a message,which said"hello its your mother,its almost 7 and I didnt hear you up there....Bye"So I rolled out of my bed,woke Ty up,put the dogs out,started my car...all that good stuff.And after I put on 2 layers of clothing,a pair of sweatpants and fleece pants,a fleece shirt and a sweatshirt,I realized that I have a babysitter.Its not really a bad thing when my kid wouldve been late this morning ,but there has been days where she has called me and one,theres either no school,or two Ty is not here.And it makes me wonder why I cant just live my own damn life for a while.Why does someone haveto make sure I get up in the morning?Why is it that I cant figure out for myself that I set my alarm for p.m. instead of a.m?Why cant people just leave me alone? **If you wont let me fall for you** I made a beautiful dinner last night.I even had wine with it just because it was so beautiful.I made up 2 plates and put them on my table and they looked like something out of a elegant resturant,I wanted to take a picture of my table with these 2 plates on it,with the wine glasses.With the sliverware just right.But I held back on it,thinking that it would be stupid to take a picture of something that probably isnt beautiful.Something that is just"there".And after Ty acted like an animal and finished his plate,I was left there,alone,looking at the mess I created for my beautiful dinner.As I sat there looking at this mess,I realized how I useto always cook like this,how I always had some sort of beautiful dinner all the time.How I enjoyed the mess,how I enjoyed the clean up.How I enjoyed it all.And thats when this feeling of complete loneliness came over me.How I was left at the table alone to think these things,and how I am left alone to clean up the mess,how theres no one to tell me not to do the dishes,how theres no one to talk to while I am washing the dishes and the stove off.And it sucked. Although I pictured Josh telling me that dinner was awesome,and that I shouldnt have went through all that work just for dinner.I played "pretend", I played "pretend"so I wouldnt feel so lonely,so I could feel better about this stupid beautiful dinner that I had worked so hard on.So I took this huge roast that I made,walked downstairs and asked my mom if she wanted it.I told her that I wouldnt eat any of it reheated.And even though I probably wouldnt eat it,the truth was,I just didnt want it in my frig.I didnt want to see it everytime I went into the frig for something.I didnt want to be reminded that something so beautiful had turned so ugly to me. ** Your best friend,Ive come to be** I told Josh the other night about this song that I consider "his" and although I would love for him to listen to it,I dont have the balls to do it.I dont have the balls to say,"listen to this because it reminds me of you".And I would like to grow some fucking balls,but I guess since Im a female,growing balls wouldnt be the right thing to do.He was mad last night,he was mad cuz I didnt call him,and I told him I was sorry,and I have no clue why I didnt call him last night.I think it was because I fell asleep,woke up a little after 9 and then just went to bed,even though once I hit my bed,my eyes wouldnt shut at all.So I laid there and let my thoughts float around,all the while Im looking into the darkness trying to gather them up.So I read for a bit,and thats when the phone rang and it was him.And he caught me off guard because I had just laid down my book since all I was doing was thinking.And I could tell he was mad,or crabby or something.I couldnt explain to him why I didnt call though.I had no reason really.I just felt so shitty after dinner,and that is why I went to sleep.I cant talk to someone when I feel so empty,I cant talk to them because I have nothing to say since all I am doing is thinking of how shitty I feel and how I would love nothing more to sit and throw a fit.And thats why I didnt call him,I didnt want him knowing that I was sad just because of a stupid beautiful yet ugly dinner. Because thats nothing to be sad about really.But I was.I was sad over some god damn dinner and I didnt want him to think I was a freak because I was sad over a god damn dinner,so instead of telling him,I talked about everything but the sad dinner,and when he got off the phone with me,I was left alone once again,with nothing.With no one to talk to,with no one to listen.I was left once again with my thoughts of the beautiful yet ugly dinner.That beautiful yet ugly dinner that made me feel so god damn sad. 7:46 a.m. - 2004-01-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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