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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mental state? **NUMBERS NUMBERS NUMBERS** It blinks another 2 numbers lower today,even though I ate that olive,and drank nothing but coffee just about all day long.It gives me this sense of joy,this sense of relief,just a sense of,whew...I can do it kindof thing.Yes people ,I know Im fucked,I know this all to well.I get joy out out my own pain,I get joy from making myself unhappy,I get joy from hating myself,theres no need to tell me this,I know it.I deserve all I do to myself,no one knows what goes through my mind,well not all the time,no one knows how much I hate to see a mirror or to even think I might feel good about myself...I dont deserve it,I deserve nothing.Im not a good person,I love to hate myself.I love to watch me go nuts because my life is a mess.I love to sit there and feel myself go through all these mental states of hatred and sadness.I love to get so mad at myself that I can pull clumps of hair out of my head.Do I need help...yeah I do,will I get it...no,I dont want help.The only person who can help me is gone,and hes waiting for me,hes waiting to yell at me...and Im waiting for him as well. 5:32 p.m. - 2003-09-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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