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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My world Everything�s so blurry And everyone�s so fake And everybody�s empty And everything is so messed up Pre-occupied without you I cannot live at all My whole world surrounds you I stumble then I crawl ************************ I went to Barnes and Noble again today,I read a different book.It is nice to be there,better then a bar,yes it is me saying that.I did cry a couple times today while I was there,I tried to hold it back,it didnt work.I ended up going to the bathroom,I locked the stall door and let it out,not once,but more then I wanted to.It is hard to sit there and read about these things while everyone is walking around looking at what you are reading.Not that I care.I had a guy stare at me today.I was reading"I wasent ready to say goodbye"I dont give a shit what people think of me.I am beyond that.I hung another windchime in my house today,I now have 3.They are soppouse to keep the bad spirits away and the good welcomed.I am going to start keeping a journal by my bed.I want to remember my dreams,and I have read that it is a good thing to keep paper and a pen by your bed.I threw a fit today.I punched my leg a bunch of times,pulled my hair and just let myself fall onto the floor afterwards where I just laid and cried.Mo has been telling her counsler about me,I know I need to go,but I dont want to.You know what I want?I want my fucking man back,I want him here.I want him to tell me to calm down,I want him to tell me it will be alright.I want him to tell me that he will never leave me again,I want him to tell me he loves me,I want to tell him that I love him,I want to keep him locked in my arms forever.I want him to lay beside me and tell me how I dont deserve him cuz he is going down on CNN with the cops.I want him to touch me,I want to force him to cuddle with me.I want him.I want him.I want him. *************************************** They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them **************************************** I want to talk to Josh.I am not understnding why he is not returning my emails.I wish he was here as well.He was my strength when he was here.He took care of me the night before he left,and he is probaly the only friend of Kyles that I feel a connection to.Kyle had respect for him.That was the one friend Kyle talked about all the time.He was so mad when Josh left too.And now I am taking Kyles place by being mad at him as well.He wont be here til Feb...if he comes back.I wish he comes back,like I said,thats a connection to my man that I dont want to ever lose.Kyle and him went through some shit,but always remained friends unlike the others.Maybe I am being selfish by saying I want Josh to come back,I am not sure,and if I am,what else do I have?I noticed today that I am down another 2 pounds.I dont feel as though I am getting thinner,everyone keeps asking me if I am eating.I am.I ate some cheese today with a tortilla.Its hard to look in his refrigarator.Everything is in 3's.I have 3 pork delights,3 chicken breasts,3steaks....3....3.....3....3...3.There are only 2 of us now,what will I do with the extra?I have an interview tomorrow for the Ren Faire.Maybe I can meet that lady that can tell you things just by touching you.I need to meet her.Xena will be 5 tomorrow.I think I will make her one of those chicken breasts.She comforts me all the time.I cry,she comes and tries to lick the tears away.I am on my third beer tonight....3 once again,I think I will quit after this one.It dosent do anything for me but make me sad.I hugged his picture for what seemed like forever before.I smelled his cologn,I inhaled the scent.I closed my eyes before and acted as though he was lying in bed with me.I live in a dream world,a world where he never left,a world where he is always here,a world where we will have a future,a world where all I have is my imagination 6:59 p.m. - 2003-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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