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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- babies and dogs I think when Ty gets older,I will be a snoopy mom.He came home from school with tons of folders,and I went through every crease and crack in these folders...and for what?What was I looking for?Nothing,but I guess you never know what you might find. You are growing weary ======================= Kyles dog is going through something strange,I gave her a toy frog a couple weeks ago and for 2 days she has been acting like thats her"baby".Its cute,it really is,but kindof freaky cuz she has never acted like that before.So this morning I stopped by his house so I could give her something else.I gave her a toy duck this time.I didnt take the frog away,I guess I am just curious what she might do.Kyle told me that maybe she is going through a false pregnancy,and if you think about it,that could be true.I mean,we as humans get all weird when we think we might be pregnant,we eat more and feel more tired,why wouldnt dogs go through that?I really never thought that I was pregnant except before Ty,after I had him though,I have always been on birth control,and although that isnt 100%,I still never worried about it,and when I was terrified of getting pregnant,I just didnt have sex with dickhead.Its quite easy to make that vow when your life totally flashes in front of you,and you realize that if you were to get pregnant,you could be stuck for longer.I always wanted tons of kids...I want a huge family.I always have been like that,then for a while,I told myself that I never wanted anymore,cuz it was real hard,but for like the last 3 years now,I am back to the hillbilly stage where I want tons.I didnt want anymore with dickhead,he was an asshole and still is.He made me not want anymore.But then again,I didnt want a bunch of kids running around all with different fathers,I still dont.I dont know what I would do if I found out I was going to have another kid.I know I would be happy,and I would totally get healthy,but I would be so scared of telling anyone for the same reason why I never wanted to tell anyone about Ty.I dont want to be left alone to raise a child again by myself and to have false promises.I remember dickhead telling me that it would be okay..."hey,we are just starting a family early",yeah,whatever.Ty wasent even 24 hours old when I knew that I would be doing it all on my own,and I was scared shitless,I didnt want to leave the hospital.I wanted that fairytale life.I was thinking about all this last night,and how I useto act as though I was lucky because I knew who the dad was,I lived with him,I was still with him.I made everyone belive that even though I was a satistic,I survived it.In a way I did,but I sure look back on things and wish that I just dumped him when I was 6 months pregnant and lived with the fact that I am not better then anyone else who at the time had kids or were about to have one.But nope,I was better,I lived a fairytale life,my life was perfect.I have always loved my son from the time I found out that I was gonna have child...I have always had great love for him,I dont think my life would be this good if I didnt have him.I think I wouldve partied more then I do now.I think I wouldve wound up with alot of "false pregnancy"issues,I think by having him at a young age and having him by some dickhead taught me to live and learn alot more.Once when I was sick,a girl at work told me that maybe I was pregnant cuz I had that"rosy"kind of glow to me,I told her to shut up and that the "rosy"glow was from my god damn fever.It was funny,cuz with all the people I work with having kids,it gets scary,like its a virus that you catch or something.If it ever got down to it,I dont think that Kyle would leave me.He likes kids as well,and from what he says,he wants tons of them,I think I would be scared to tell him,only cuz Im on birth control,and I never miss a pill,and I wouldnt want him accusing me of skipping one.And even that I doubt he would do,Im not sure,I just know that I would be scared.He would be the first person I told though.Speaking of all this pill crap.I called Planned Parenthood the other day since I was told to call to get more pills,and I told the lady that I guess I was soppouse to have an exam done before I got any pills,and that I was told to call about the walk-in hours,she got rude and told me that 'THOSE' people no longer work there,and she could set up an appointment for me.All I said was "wow,your quite fucking rude"and I hung up.I think its time to go to a regualr doctor...one outside of P.P.I dont think p.p. is bad but there was no reason to get rude,and anyways,they never told me why I am always so fucking abnormal.Im like a week and a half early now,and its not even a real period.It comes and goes throughout the day.I just dont get it anymore,and I am getting fustrated about it.I just want it to be normal...so at lease the next time I have sex and it turns out yucky for me....at lease I would KNOW that I was due anyways.I hate being a female sometimes.Why do we get stuck with shit?We get stuck with the period,the pregnancy,the boobs,the whole self image deal,the whole getting treated like a piece of meat deal,I mean,why the females?I think thats why most of us are bitches.Its unfair.Ha ha.So Kyle and I will be together for a year this week.Wow.I remember going through his medicine cabniet just so I knew his last name.I even wrote it down to remember it.I wanted to make sure that since I slept with him...I at lease knew his last name.And now look...a what I thought wouldve been a one night stand turned into a whole year...that rocks.Its so rocks cuz I never slept with anyone else since that first night with him,and I never needed too.My man rocks!! ********************* and you make me better ********************** Anyways,I made some extra money today,and noticed that my "extra"money tin is pretty much to the point of putting it in my account,but I think I am going to go shopping.Not for myself either.I have way to much shit in my house.And I would love to get new things,but I always buy clothes....that I dont need.So I think I will go get the present for fathers day,maybe a new tounge ring,some jeans for Ty and the rest I will put away.It would still be a decent amount.I talked to my sister and at first she was going to let me use her car,but I would also be staying with her and now that is not happening,so I guess we will haveto rent a car,that money will come in handy for that.My sister is so unreliable that its pathetic,she will say one,but really mean something else.I was soppose to call work to let them know if I will work tonight or not.Im not calling.No more favors for that place.I will work from open to close everyday that I dont have Ty bhut when I have him...nope....no way.Im not giving up my time with him.Talked to Amanda last night for hours over the phone,she is really good at law shit.She is starting school to become a lawyer,not that she is going to go through with all of it,but she is still smart about it.She told me that there is a place across from child support that would let me pick a lawyer and get him for free.Some sort of state funded crap.Although she thinks that it would make no difference,it dosent hurt to find out.I really dont thinkit would either,but then again who knows.I told her how I got a couple of dickheads check stubs and over the phone,we both kindof figured out that there is no way he could support Ty.I mean,he has his wife,her 2 kids,their kid together,plus Ty.No wonder why I never get my fucking clothes back from them.I feel bad for Ty.He has his home clothes and his "going to dads house"clothes.He shouldnt haveto deal with that.He told me today that they were soppouse to make a fathers day card,but he couldnt so instead he made me another mothers day card.When I asked him why he couldnt make one for dickhead,he said that he didnt know what to write,that his dad dosent spend anytime with him.OUCH.That hurt.Until next time.....rock on 3:11 p.m. - 2003-06-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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