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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sick of crying So I cried myself to sleep.Woke up with the worst headach ever.My ringer is off..I put a sweatshirt on top of my phone since when someone calls the little light blinks,and I know that I would stare at that all night.His pictures are put away...but I want to look at them.I need to.I need to torture myself for a reason.I need to just sit and fucking cry.I took my bath,I had to force myself in the water since it was so hot,but it felt good.I sat in the tub and just cried.I told Ty that I wasent feeling good and that I was going to watch a movie in bed,I shut my door and all,he knew something was wrong.I could tell.He went to bed great for me and told me he was tired.He knows Im sad,he totally knows.He is so happy to be with me and I am a fucking wreck.I dont know how I will be able to go into work,I really dont think I want to deal with people.And EVERYONE has such a big mouth,so everyone will want to know since they are such great friends to me..im sure Amanda will tell them what he did,and everyone will tell me what an asshole he is,and I will haveto tell everyone that she needed to make me miserable and thats excatly what they want to hear.Why?Cuz they all warned me about her.....and they all love it.They love the gossip,they all love to see people being upset.I dont know why I never quit when I had the chance.I hate almost everyone there.I cant go to work tomorrow and go through all that.I cant let those people see me like this.And you know,those are the only peole I know..the ones I work with.I have lived here my whole life and I know noone.I dont want to go to sleep,I dont want to stay awake and cry,I dont want tomorrow to come but yet I want today to be over with.Im making myself sick from crying.This was my heart,this was my FUCKING heart.It hurts so bad.I love him so much,and because I let myself fall into love,I am hurting so bad.I am so messed up..man,I look like shit,and its not funny but I am laughing about it,cuz I know I am a fucking mess,so why make sure by looking in the mirror?I dont know how I am going to put myself back together again...I really dont.I dont think I can "fake"it this time..I think everyone is going to find out that I am not as strong as they thought I was.And I dont want anyone trying to be my friend,cuz there is no such thing.I have no asprain,and my head is pounding so bad,and it hurts everytime I cry,and I cant go and get any cuz I look like shit.I ACTAULLY look sad,thats not me,im a happy fucking person,I cant let someone see me like this...stranger or not.I need to go and drive down by the lake like I useto do.I need that right now,i need to smell the air,watch the waves and just scream.I need to just sit in my car and drive and calm down.I need to stop breaking down..this is so bad.I have never went through anything that hurt this bad before.I hope the hurt goes away,I hope its not one of those hurts that stick with you for the rest of your life...but you know,its going to be.He has my heart.I finally know what that feels like.I found out that I am capable of really loving someone for a lifetime.I know what it means to give your heart to one person.And it fucking hurts. 10:32 p.m. - 2003-04-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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