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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tears and snot Oh my God...I am such a mess,and all I can do about it is sit here and type...Why?I have no fucking friends to talk to...to help me get through this.Just to be my friend.I haveto call dickhead and see if they will keep him another night.I cant let him see me like this..but I want to see him.I miss my kid...he so funny sometimes.He can cheer me up.I just dont want to cry in front of him.Im a fucking mess right now,I look awful .It felt so good with Kyle ,it felt so fucking good.I totally thought I would be with him forever,I remember when he first said he loved me...totally perfect.I cried that night.He said it in such a way that I belived him right there.I thought I could hear it in his voice...the way he said just totally was perfect...,I remeber crying so hard that night but yet softly so he wouldnt hear me.I never let go of him that night. Tomorrow is a different day and I know that Im not ready +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I think I am just going to take a long hot bath and just close my eyes,and think about how strong I haveto be when Ty comes home.I think that I can at lease get rid of the puffy red eyes,but then again,I will probaly just cry and it wont help anyways.I am gonna miss his dog,I hugged her last night and told her that I was sorry,and that it was fun playing with her....and shes probaly thinking.."god this chick is so fucked up"I told her that too...I was so upset just sitting there hugging her.I really am gonna miss her though.Shes a good dog.I think I am going to haveto put away his picture,just so I wont keep looking at it and crying.Ty is going to know somethings wrong...I am not going to be able to talk to him about it today..theres no way.I am going to be an emotional wreck for a while.Example...sitting here crying so hard...why cuz I just saw his tums.Im putting them away to.All day..thats all I have been doing,I dont do this..ever,My manager wants me to take tomorrow off...I puked in the office cuz I was crying so hard...I totally broke down,and after that I cant stop.This is one thing I couldnt hold in.Im not as strong as I thought I was.Im going to work though..I need the money,not that Ill make any,but at lease I wont be here.I wont be able to cry every second.I have an appointment tomorrw at Gateway..I dont think I should go though,i'll end up seeing my aunt and she'll ask me how kyle and I are and i'll lose it.I wish I could just go.Go somewhere other then here.Go somewhere where I can just be alone....where I dont need to smile..where I cant cry.Where I can just be nothing.Just somewhere I could breathe it all in.Somewhere where there are nice white clouds,blue sky...and slience,and just be there taking it all in..feeling peaceful.Somewhere where there is nothing...somewhere where you can be nothing. What is beautiful? If we faced each other will it still be there? **************************** 2 more months wouldve made it a year.We wouldve made it past that "certain point".How am I not going to cry like this for the next couple weeks?How can I NOT be a mess?How can I do my fucking job this way?How can I go anywhere or talk to peole?I couldnt even tell my first customers of the day my damn name before I started cring.I havent hurt this bad in such a long time..and it sure does not feel good.I knew something was going to happen,I havent slept the last couple nights very good......I could just feel something.I was wondering why I kept staying up all night,since I havent done it in a long time. MAKE ME GO AWAY ################ Just when I thought I was all set.Good guy,a couple of good friends,going to school,paying my old bills,all that and here I am...a fucking mess,who cant even leave my house in fear of breaking down.I nver told him to hit me...man,and hes bitching to someone who totally strives on getting attention.Fuck the both of them.I lost 2 so called good people,whats next?I love him,god ,I love him so much,will I ever stop crying?I just lost my best friend and my future.I just lost my fucking heart. 3:45 p.m. - 2003-04-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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