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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chemically inbalanced So I have been feeling kind anti-social lately,just totally not myself.I wish I knew what was going on with me and why I feel like this.It feels like I have no one to talk to,its like a sob story...my life is not a sob story,i hope not anyways.I have felt like crying these past couple days,and it sucks.I tried to be friends with Tiff,but I think she is just like the rest.Ive noticed that.I can honestly say that I have only Kriss.She dosent get mad,or tell me that it was stupid...whatever,she wont do it though and she is all the way in a different state.I wish like hell I could talk to Kyle,I thought i could but he just laughs about whatever,I am sure that he dosent mean it,i just feel dumb around him sometimes.I dont want him thinking that I am as dumb as I am..lol.I just havent learned alot of things.I went to visit the x-inlaws,they have a great house.M was talking about how after their friends died,S and her were talking about their will.I gues they are leaving it all to Ty,with me as their trustee,thats cool.Not the money or anything,but that they think of me like that.They are great people and I dont think that anyone understands.S was talking about the fact that he hasent spoken to Dan in over a year,he wants to know what the hell he did.Should I tell them?I would hate to hurt them,and I know its not my responsability,but they keep wondering.How can I tell them that once they stopped giving him the thousands of dollars they gave him that,that was it?I dont thinkI want to explain that to them.I think they should call him and ask him.But in a way,I want them to forget about him.I dont want him in their lives cause then that would mean,i lost them.I dont want anything to do with him.I feel like they are MY family.They are so great to me and Ty that its pathetic it cant be like that all the way around.I hate Dans mom...always will,but I ave always been nice to her up until the last time,and I am so happy that I dont haveto talk to her anymore.SO I think in the summer I am going to spend a weekend out there,they have 2 spare rooms,a great backyard,and always lots of beer.I had alot of good times with M and Sharon up at the trailer,its to bad that Sharon is gone now.She was great.I just think it would be fun.I can honestly say that I love them as a family.I think right now,I am having some issues with family though.My grandma went in to the hospital on saturday...man,I was so ready to blow up.My aunt just acted like she was the only one there.Thats my fucking grandma,and I have every right to see her.I havent seen her yet.I dont think I want to.I dont want to be scared by the looks of her,I dont want to cry,I dont want to stop playing like shes young.And then the whole deal with my folks....they know I hate it here,I feel bad for them sortof, its mean to say...but once I am gone,i wont feel bad.Amanda says she will do my taxes,she says that I would get back more...its funny cuz I know I wll.Last year she figured that i couldve got back like $1200 more.Fuck H&R block.I am so needing this money to get on my feet again.All I want is to pay off my dad and that $650,and I would be cool.I did pay 5o bucks on that bill,so thats cool.I should pay off the whole $1300 and take that to court and then,he would haveto pay me instead.Maybe I should do that.My whole body has been killing me.I am starting to feel old.I let staright hot water run on me this morning at Kyles and it was so relaxing.I have just kindof feeling worn out and I have no idea why.I keep thinking its cuz of the period,but it still isnt here.I know that im not pregnant,so I am not worried about that.I havent had sex forever,who knows.I hope that this anti-socail shit goes away soon.I dont mind being with people..I just dont want to talk. prettyc:appearing or sounding pleasant or nice but lacking strength,force,purpose or intensity I miss Kyle.I didnt spend to much time with him over the weekend,he wasent feeling well.And I havent talked to him today.My fault I guess,I have been on this computer forever,but I dont do this that much anymore,so when I get on,I stay on.Hopefully he will call me at work,just to talk.I like it when he does that.It puts a smile on my face.Anyways until next time...rock on
8:05 p.m. - 2003-01-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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