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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The show must go on I started emailing this guy.Jimmy.He is a donor at work.And I flirted and flirted with him,and I loved his eyes and loved to disconnect him from the plasma machine only because then I could have his arm touch my waist while I wrapped his arm.So we email.We chat.We say its a sex thing.We both lack.We both hate how we feel in our realtionships.We share things through email that I wont share with Tony.And there were these butterflies.There were these happy thoughts through out the day.And I started getting along better with Tony.And having more sex.And I wait..and I wait for Jimmys emails.And I loved the feeling.Is it cheating?Was it cheating?I dont know.But I do know that I was going to have alot of fun with Jimmy...even if it was just hanging out,then Tony sees some emails.I was caught.I deleted Jimmy from facebook since I haveto live with Tony and deal with this.Jimmy calls me a gold digger and a loser bitch.And I see him walk into work and all I want to do is tell him that I am sorry.That this is how it hasto be.And I wanted to say all these things while I looked into his hazel eyes.But that never happened.I am scared to see him and scared to stick that needle in him and I am just scared.I fucked up and got caught...but I am no gold digger.He said some awful things about Kyle and that bothered me but what do you do?I can never fucking fix things.I dont know where it could have or would have gone,,,,I dont know if I wanted it to go anywhere,but what I do know is that what I felt and how I felt towards him was honesty and I was so open and I felt like I could be myself.I dont know what I am doing anymore.I hide my beer cans under the garbage that is already there,I hide them in bushes oonly to find them when I try to hide another.Im not eating and I am working more and more.I told Tony that we need to work on things.I told him that I have been miserable for the past year.So things were good.For a weekend.Now its back to where it was.I cant be attached.I can not be committed.I can not have a fucking normal realtionship.I cant have what I thought I always wanted because now that I have it?I dont like it.So,I do what I do best.And I put more and more skeltons in my closet and hope like hell that the door holds them all in. 7:08 p.m. - 2011-07-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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