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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the June that bugs Its not as though I haveto have a hard time this month.It just happens that way.I have spent my past trying to get back what I lost.I have spent my past trying to re-live something I cant have.I have never gave up.I never tried to have it any other way.I sat there and I waited for all the tears to happen and when they did?I fought to keep them away.They say that the whole post traumatic stress syndrome bullshit comes with clinical depression.I will admit that maybe that has happened to me in the past.There was a time where I just stopped caring and popping valiums just wasent for fun...it was my life.I was numb for such a long time that I never thought that I could feel.I think there is a cure for this crap.I think that its just that...crap.I pretty much kept my mouth shut about this so called illness I have.I pretty much kept my business to myself and never needed to share it.I have pretty much did what I was told to do and popped my pills everyday and went on with my happy self.This year.....this new year...I told myself that everything will be different.Not that I would try to have things different but that they WOULD be different.More honesty...more life...more laughter.Less tears...less pills...less hiding.I get so mad that Kyle left me.I get so mad because at that time in my life,he was the best thing that ever happened to me.At that time in my life,I wanted more kids,I wanted a husband,I wanted normal things.I had normal things.At that time in my life I had someone who didnt tell me to shut my mouth,who didnt crack my ribs or bust my teeth out.I was happy at that point in my life.And then ...it all went away.He left me to start over.He left me to figure it all out...he left me a mess.So I went back.To what I know as normal.Broken relationships and quiet mouths.I have had to many nights where I sat and I wanted them to end.I have had to many nights where I got so pissed that I took more...to many mornings waking up to empty pill bottles and no more rum.I have had quite the life because he left.I have had quite the night mares and the embarrassment of freaking out because I think everyone around me is going to die.I have had quite the life thinking that my child wasent breathing or that I could not go to sleep because I did not want my boy to find me dead as I once found Kyle.I am done with this bullshit.Its a hard month.I know this.But I am tired of it.I am not taking medication to get through it all...fuck that.I am not going to sleep the month away as I have done in the past,I am not going to be quiet about any of it.I think there is a cure.A cure for all this nonsense.I have never been able to let it out.I have never been able to talk about it .I have never had any one to talk to.I have been "gone"for to long.I have a beautiful life,I have a wonderful boyfriend,who listens...who cares...who makes me feel safe.For the first time in a long time,I want things....not the things I USETO have...but the things I can have.So June might be hard...but its easier this year.I talk about it,and I get hugs....I cry..and I get touched.I am not going to forget certain things.But I am not holding on either.I have held on for to long to something I cant have,and its time to let go.So this "no cure" bullshit?Fuck you....the cure is letting go.The cure is letting things happen.The cure is not worrying about what some prick of a doctor labels you as.This month.....this month of June?Is going to be curable.
6:53 a.m. - 2008-06-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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