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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - **Should I go Back?** Its my babys birthday tomorrow...he wouldve been 28 years old.And this is why ia m drinking tonight,so maybe I wont shake at work on thursday,if I get really wasted tonight and just lay in bed all day tomorrow.Fuck my wedensdays,I can miss them.Its not a big deal,and I really dont care if I miss it or not right now.I would be an awful drunk tomorrow,at lease tonight I can just kindof go from happy to awful thinking about things and not thinking about things.I talked to Tadd today,it has been forever and I miss his friendship and really dont understand why it went away...just cause he moved?That shouldnt be a reason,so I wirte him a letter tonight.He was always a good person to talk to.I rememmber whenI called him up after a wine night about why people like me,and he was so honest with me.And it was cool. **And I will miss your laugh**
**Run,Run,Run** Dosent it seem like I fall very easily?Dosent it seem like I want these feelings?I do though,I want the feelings back that I once had,and,sure I know,I so know that it will never be what I had and all of that,but at lease I have the feelings back and that this time......for real this time is different.Its different cause nothing is involoved.There is nothing.We havent had sex,we havent really done anything like a movie or anything.All we have done is hang out,and maybe some oral here and there but thats it.Everything is just right,theres no rushing,no hanging out everyday,no getting mad at each other.No jealousy,no nothing,There is just nothing but everything.And I want him to know me.I want him to forever know the real me,which he knows now and I forever want to keep that.I lost that with Josh a long time ago.When he told me he loved me,when he started to get mad at things,I pulled away because it was never soppouse to be like that.Never.Not with Kyles best friend...oh no.And I have thought about it.I thought,I so thought about how Kyle just wants me happy,and even though I cant be happy with his best friend,I know that he wants me to be happy with someone.He loved me enough to let that happen.He LOVED me,unlike the ones that said they did. **The words get confused** Tony said it,did I believe him....sort of,more less I was ass to him and he knew it,I knew it in the long run,Josh said it...did he mean it...yeah he did.Could I give that back to him?No.No way.Nope.I cant heal with him.I could never have a realtionship even if I wanted to.I always thought he knew what was better for me.After all...he is Kyles best friend,but he didnt,cause he really thought I was "it"for him,and I never was.Even though I sat with him knowing how he felt,I didnt feel it,and he dosent deseve that.And I think he is an asshole for it all.I spilled my heart out to him for over a year.And what do I end up with?Someone who overlooked my feelings and thought all about himself.And yea,I was happy when I talked to him but it wasent that kind of happy.I was just happy that I had someone to talk to,to listen to me.And it all fucking stopped.It stopped after he knew about Tony,it stopped when he knew there wasent anything there like he hoped,yet I still gave him time,I still gave him what I had,all so he could kill me with it. **Lost without You** Ever since Kyle,that was it.Then everything came to a stop.Feelings,caring,healing,wanting things,loving,it all stopped.And I am ready to start again,to start everything.I accept feelings that I have now,I want to do things again.I want to fucking breath.I want someone in my world again.I want to accept someone inmy world...I want them to accept me again.I want to be able to fall asleep again without being drunk.Without taking any sleeping pills.Without anything.I want to stop the pain.I want to fall asleep without tears,I want to awaken with the birds and love them again.I want to love me again.And I think I am on that road again.And I hope like hell he dosent hurt me.I really dont.You know,I really dont care if life goes on for each of us,but I shared my world with him,and that means everything to me.It means everything for me to be that open with someone again.I hope he understands what it all means to me,by sending him pages of this and stuff.By letting him be a part of me.For letting someone be a part of me again 5:58 p.m. - 2004-11-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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