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wasting a life
So I went on another litte "fun"binge.I went out on Wedensday..had fun whatever,went to work on Thursday,worked out,and then went to the bar again.
Thursday I realized a thing or two about my bar friends.First,I know what their life style is,second I dont judge them(anymore)about what they do with their life because there is no use and they make me listen to them.And i listen to them.One of these friends I adore.He is this huge mexican who sells....sells...sells.Drugs of course.I have hung out with him before,thursday I left the bar with him to go get something to eat,and I know that his lifestyle is shit.I know that what he does for a living is not cool.But I also know that all he wants is a date with me,and that in the long run...he would take care of me.He would make sure that I am taken care of.He makes sure that I am taken care of now.I never went to sleep on Thursday.Instead I drank and drank until a well known crackhead bar opened up.I had a blast at the crackhead bar.I had a guy trying to sell me rims for my car.And he laughed and told me I was cool when I told him that he had to realize that at 6 in the morning I am at a bar and he was trying to sell me something.Because of not going to sleep and having to work at 10:30,I had Danyels mom call me in,I have no clue if I have a job or not,but I dont care about it.I hate my job and will never fix anything about it if I still have it.For all I care,my job can kiss my ass and I need a break.Its the lease of my concern right now.Believe me.The lesbians and I,along with Danyels mom and brother went to the hotel on Friday,Vern was soppouse to be there,he didnt come until around 8,I was passed out by 9.He was gone by 6 in the morning.The Vernage and I talked about this before,he was soppouse to join in on our fun and Saturday I was going to join him and his friends,he pissed me off when he showed up that late and left that early.But I dont care.Saturday I went with Vern to a benefit for a friend of his.Live bands and all that.Vern kept asking me if I cared if he walked around and such.I know now that he wasent walking around.That he wasent going to the bathroom,that he LIED to me.We left the benefit,went to his car,and there it was,a pile of coke waiting to be snorted.Fucking asshole.He told me that I couldnt get mad at him,that I had stayed out for 2 days and that this was a special occasion.He offered it to me,so I did it.Fucking asshole.We went to the bar and thats where I tiold him that I had no respect for him,that I could and would never marry him,and was he proud that he brought me into a lifestyle I dont respect?Anyways,sunday comes and we get something to eat,a couple bloody marys,some beers,go back to my house,took a nap.I woke up about 5 hours before him.His phone beeps and continues to beep when he has a message,so I wanted to shut it off or something cause it was annoying me.I went into his pocket,in the same jacket that he has been wearing since we have been together and I find 2 polaroid pictures.Of a vagina.Not mine either.I took them.And I think I am keeping them because I have no fucking clue what to do with them.I have no fucking clue how old or new they are.I have just no fucking clue.Now in order to understand,I haveto tell you that he is not fucking "all that"or even close to be something.He has no fucking money,he sits in a bar all the time,he can never get it up,and he is just a fucking loser.So who the fuck would allow him to take pictures?And then you haveto think,dudes a fucking cokehead.I am sure that he shares his drugs with any female that is willing just so he can use them.And females are stupid especially when they want something.I am pissed.Not even pissed,but furious,disgusted,hurt and raged.My so called dunb ass boyfriend is walking around with some other bitches vagina in his pocket,all the while,he is hugging me,holding me,with these pictures in his pocket.In these 9 months that I have been with him..what the fuck has he been doing?I feel like crying but the tears wont come,maybe because they are not worth it.I understand this life style.I understand why the women at the bar are the way they are.Their boyfriends,
husbands,whatever are just like mine.They haveto worry,they haveto get stressed out,they haveto do things that they dont want to do.I on the other hand,refuse to land this role.I need time to think,time to think about what the fuck I am going to do.About the picture,about the cocaine,about the lies,about it all.I am not going to answer my phone for a couple days.I need to clear my head and get MY life back.Vern is not worth it.Vern is not worth my life.I dont know why I ever fell in love again,or picked him for the one that would make me try,but I do know that my love is not strong enough to deal with these kind of emotions.And I have people that would never make me feel like shit.Take my adoring dealer friend.He always wants to punch someone if the disrespect me.He always makes sure he talks to me and fills me in about what he has been doing...besides selling.He hardley drinks,he dosent smoke the ganja,he dosent use his product,and here he is...caring and making sure that I am doing okay,and here I am with this fuck that carries another persons vagina around with him,that offers me his drugs and gets upset when I tell him no,here I am with this fuck that dosent do to much for me anymore,except make me worry.I wouldnt look at him yesterday when he finally got up out of bed,and i didnt kiss him like I usually do when he left.I was afraid that I just might puke and I didnt need to be cleaning that shit up.I have enough cleaning up to do.
7:52 a.m. - 2006-01-30
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