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going to waste

**What if I got it wrong?**

Last night Mr.Vern stuck some chicks fingers in his mouth...and he sucked on them while he looked at her,the same girl I slept with,the same girl he knows I slept with,the same girl he watched most of the night.Thanks.Thank you very much for making me feel like the biggest shit was taken and it was taken on me.And I gave him additude for a split second but then I really didnt care.And he followed me outside,and I pushed him away from me.And I told him those awful fucking words.I told him that I loved him and then I cried.I dont know how much I can take with everything going on anymore.My heart goes out to the hurricane victims.It has taken a big part of me,and I dont know why.I have no relatives anywhere near the diaster,but I feel these peoples pain.I feel for them.I feel for everyone but myself lately.I am so tired of feeling all this pain.I am so so so fucking tired of it all.I dont know what to do with my emotions,I dont know where to put them anymore.And when I pushed vern away last night,I meant it.I needed for him to leave me alone.I wanted to be left alone.He made me feel like shit ontop of feeling like shit and do you even realize how that feels?

**I will try to fix you**

I felt awful for him last night.I felt awful for him because I felt like shit.And I felt like shit because he made it that way.And he said that he was just messing around,that it was no big deal.Yet how can it not be a big deal when he looked at her,I watched him and what I saw was what he does to me and I felt like my whole stomache just caved in.I felt so sick,and he knew.He knew I was mad,he even told people,and I told him that i didnt care.That I could go on,that it didnt matter and he told me that he was sorry,that he didnt do "anything",that I haveto give him some slack because after all drugs werent involved,and I am sure that I could give him some slack,if drugs were invloved.It wouldve been much easier.I am constantley stuck in reverse,and I am quite tired of it all.

7:55 a.m. - 2005-09-01

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