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guide me home
Yea,yea,
God is great
yea,yea
God is good
The Earth is pissed,and she is making it known.I shook my head all day long watching CNN,FOX news,all those "good"
channels,and my heart hurt,and I got angry at what this is turning into.I want to scream at these people,I want to hug these people.But jesus fucking christ...stop.People are laying in their wheelchairs waiting for death to visit them,babies are dead,children are being starved,people see their loved ones,the missing,their pets,their belongings floating down the street,so jesus,stop all the bullshit and work together.The Earth is pissed,and I dont think she is done quite yet.
*Maybe you know
when you see it*
Vern came into work,with a card in tow.With another card waiting in my car for me.He told me that he was sorry,that it was a stupid thing to do,and I told him that it didnt matter,that we were drunk,no big deal right?Lets just forget about it,he said he was happy that he stopped me,I didnt tell him that I wished he didnt.I felt stupid last night.Stupid that I freaked out.Stupid that I even am trying this realtionship bullshit.The words were said,its all different now.I fucked up...I said the words to him without him saying it to me.What a drunk I am.
I dont know,its weird.Saying those words and meaning them.And I dont say them unless if I mean them,not like how I said it to him,and it scares me.I meant to say them.And for what?Look how this guy has hurt me already.And maybe the cokeheadwhore bartender whole part of it isnt so bad,maybe him sexually
assaulting her fingers werent bad,but it hurt me.It hurt me.Me.It hurt me.Just when I thought I was put back together.When I thought things were "okay",I get hurt,why bother even trying?And so he asks me if its okay to go to the bar...who fucking cares.Hes just going to go home tonight..is that okay?Who fucking cares.I am tired of caring,I hurt to much these days.My heart thumps and all I feel is heaviness.Let people kill each other in every form they can.But I wont be a part of it,im half dead as it is,and thats just about as good as being dead.
And I hear the flowers
in their wind
and I hear their
sadness.
I dont whats been going on.Another emotional roller coaster.Another anti-depressant craving.Less caring,more crying.I am not happy these days.Not knowing what has the caused the unhappiness to its full effect makes me cry even worse.I dont know what to cry over.The Earth being pissed off at us,the reminder of love,the need for survival,so I just cry.About everything.He hurt me,he made me feel like shit and when i feel like shit...I really feel like shit,so do you really think I care if you go to the bar?No.Do you think I really want to care about you at all right now?No.Theres to much going on in the world to care about,and you hurt me.We all need our space,you spend yours at the bar,I spend mine crying.Alone.Trying to hold on to what I might have.Trying to learn what i do have.And learning to let go of what I once had.And I do enjoy it.I dont know what it is about the Vernage,why he was the winner of those lucky words.I dont understand why he is the one that can tear my heart out and put it back together again.Its not healthy for me.
It brings back to much,it takes away to much,and it makes me scared.I will not compare this to my sweet love.But what I feel,what I have felt in the past,what i am feeling now,is maybe what I once had.What I have been waiting for,what I have given up on,what I needed,and here it is I think,and I tell him things.I talk to him,I tell him how I feel.I tell him what I would normaly hide.And I try so hard with him.I try to remind him that "here I am,Im not much,but I can give you alot".But its alot of work.My heart cant take it all anymore I dont think.And I told him the other night when he asked me if I was overall healthy,I told him that my heart hurts sometimes.I cant express my words to him enough,my feelings,my soul,I cant get enough of trying to have him see things differently.Its been a long trip to this place.To this golden ticket,to the main attraction,and I enjoy it once again.I like playing the part,I just dont know how long I can do it for.
10:43 p.m. - 2005-09-01
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