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Spiders are out

I gave HIS air conditioner away today.Oh yea,I couldve got some money for it.Like HE wouldve.But I didnt.Instead I made someone happy,just so I could be happy.And I have realized that its still not easy.I doubt if it ever will be.I dont know.I have been letting go,I have been trying to let go.And I havent let go.But somethings,somethings I just haveto.Never the memories,only the materialistic stuff.Only the things that can be seen and not felt I guess.I need space too.And it hurts to have that space.It even hurts to remember that I have it,that I can have it,But I need it.I am not living in this world,I actually am living in my own world.Where memories cant be,and where I cant let those memories out.I cant live.I cant breath.I cant move.I cant enjoy.I cant live.I can not live.And I knew this a while ago,I just couldnt bare the thought of actually living again.Like I am doing something wrong.Even though I know...I know that I am doing nothing wrong.Cause he is living too.Inside of me.Inside of others.Somewhere else.I can miss him.I can love him forever and ever.I can keep my memories to myself.Or share them with others.I can let go of other things or I cant.I could live without the air conditioner.I would have never used it.And even though I knew this when I took it,I WANTED it.I NEEDED it.For that memory.So I could sit and look at it and remember.But I never needed to remember.Because I never forgot.And I wont.I feel guilty getting rid of some of these things.He wouldve never put his computer shit on the curb.Like it was garbage.Trash.Get rid of it.But I needed to.I had to.Its like people who leave shit all over their house.Old newspapers,magazines,mail,
whatever.Thats what I was doing.Even though it wasent shit.But I needed for someone else to enjoy HIM.To enjoy HIS stuff.Because I cant.My memories make me happy,getting reminded daily of why I have these memories. dont.Those kind of thoughts,they make me unhappy.Looking at something every freaken day and knowing why I have it,makes me feel like shit.It makes me want to cry and just go away.From the whole world.From myself.It hurts to look.I cant do it anymore.I want to learn how to breath,how to move.I want to live.I want to live again.

9:17 p.m. - 2005-06-06

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