|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tree of confusion I feel worn.Worn out and actually somewhat old.Between my "blast"on Wedensday night,having to work 11 hours yesterday,and 13 and half today.I am worn.A waitress's life I guess.Gotta make the money right?Vern never returned my call last night,but he returned it to the machine today.Said he was sleeping and I woke him up,and then he didnt call back cause he was till sleeping.He even returned the machines call back to the kid.Although the kid said that it was a Bryan that called,or as he put it"bryan or something"No...dear child,It was Vern.Sometimes I wish he wouldnt act so protective and just not answer the phone and if he does then at least let me know who REALLY called.So after all this working I did today,I drive home.And sure,I go past the bar.The same bar that i always go past.The same bar that he is at right now.And I call him.And we shall see.Lets see what the Vernage hasto say this time about not answering his phone.Yet on my machine,he missed this so called "sweetheart" and he wanted to "see"me as well.And I wouldnt have let me see me anyways.Not with the kid.Im trying not to fuck this up you know.Im trying not to bring the kid in this situation til i know.But he can still call me sweetheart.He could still talk to me.And we will see if I am a so called sweetheart.We will see if I still want to be called sweetheart.We will see what the explianation was.And he might even give me the right one.And I am hoping that he does cause if he dosent,I will be the stupid one once again.I will still feel like the one who has yet again fucked up.And right now,I am feeling like I did,and I dont like the feeling. xxxx I cant get the devil xxxx And maybe,just maybe I am to useto the the whole fucking up deal.And maybe I am being way to paranoid.After all,I can remember going through this once before,maybe even a couple times before.So why wouldnt it happen again?Why wouldnt it happen this so called time?I mean,I dont know.I have gone through so many up and downs since Kyle left.I have felt guilty,whorish,I have felt pain and hatred and sadness all to often because of my actions,my feelings and why wouldnt these so called feelings lead me to once again feeling the ones that I had forgotten about?I adore Vern.And I dont know why.Yet I dont feel guilty this time.I dont feel a need to push him away,I dont feel a need not to want to be around him.I dont feel certain things that I had felt before.With the "others".I sit here and wait for his car to pass.I think I hear cars coming down the street and when I adjust my self to look,there isnt even a car coming.And it has turned into a habit.And when did habits become good,or even bad?Which way do I even take this? 12:25 a.m. - 2005-07-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||