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Caring to not care

I think I am over the whole breaking in deal....yet still scared to walk alone.Its always short lived.Today at my "situation"I kept thinking about what I heard and how I just went back to bed,and I put my weights up another 20 pounds...and went full force.No breaking.No stopping.Just constant going.Getting strong....feeling stronger.Maybe ready to kick some ass...who knows.What I do know though is that I am trying to change my nasty little habits.I like how I feel when I work out.I like watching the calorie thingy,and I really like it when I dont eat anything and I am burning the calories that I dont have.Which isnt a good thing,and I am getting better at eating something in the morning...not all the time but I am just starting..so its all okay.The downfall to my "situation"is being insecure.Which I have always been,but now more then ever.When I didnt have the "situation"I didnt eat,then I would eat something here and there...then I would starve for a day or two or there was even that time that I went 2 weeks,then I would eat everything,then nothing.Huh....not very healthy hey?Yea well...whatever.So the other day I weighed myself...it said 134,I thought that it was pretty good.For the simple fact that in July I weighed 145.I weighed myself today and it stared back at me with 133.Beautiful.
Yet...not good enough.It never is.And I am disappointed in myself.I dont know when it will ever be good enough.And because i have started this whole"situation"I want it all to be so much more beautiful...so much more wonderful.So much more.I want to be more beautiful.I want to feel so much more beauty in me.And its hard.And it gets me kindof sad.I remember when Kyle died.And what I did to myself.And how I covered up alot of emotions and stuff by popping pills,staying drunk,sleeping and overall just not caring...and I looked good.I remember waking up at Joshs house one morning and he was downstairs on the couch,and I remember standing in front of his mirror after my shower examining myself.I ran my hands over my flat stomach,I tried to pinch the fat on my hips,I laid down and felt my hip bones.And after I was satisfied,I woke him up to go start another drinking binge.I cant say that I was happy.I was far from happy...yet I was happy with my appearence.I was happy with what I wanted to see in that mirror and not what was really there.Now when I look in the mirror....I only look at what is there from the shoulders up...and I dont like it.I know whats below.I know whats there that I dont want to see.

I will see my soul
For something pure

And sometimes the Vernage makes me feel even more insecure.I dont know why.Maybe by the way he grunts when he sees some stupid fake chick...maybe because its just me.Maybe because it is just me...being insecure.But I cant help it.And regardless of what I do...regardless of the "healthy"ways I all of a sudden have....it does me no fucking good.I bought a bottle of my Nodozes last week...they are currently gone as of today.They didnt work to good.I had to take 6 a day,along with my diet pills and I wonder why I have a screwed up stomach on certain days.Since I have started feeling even more obese,I have started sleeping more.Alot more.I can go to bed at 4 in the afternoon and not even care.Yet then I am up at 2 in the morning not being able to go back to sleep...so I pop something to make me sleep.I dont know.Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time that I was unhealthy,where I slept for days and didnt sleep for what felt like weeks,where I drank everything away and popped something because I did drink.I wasent happy...but I wasent insecure,I just didnt care.

8:34 p.m. - 2005-11-21

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