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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Attention disorder The Vernage came over tonight,probably just to see if I had any ganja,to bad I didnt,and to bad that I am getting some good shit tomorrow that does not have his name any where near it.He pissed me off tonight,not really PISSED me off but he annoyed me.Spent half the time he was here staring at the woman on tv,maybe if he realizes that he pays no attention to me,then maybe I would jump at the chance to have sex,but even if he does pay attention,it really dosent matter.He dosent do "IT" for me anymore.It feels that now I just have sex with him to try to get him off and fullfill whatever it is I might haveto for the time being.Is that to harsh?It has turned boring or something.I am not going to say that when I have sex it needs to be a certain way,because it dosent.But it does need to be exciting and enjoyable,and right now thats not happening.It also feels as though he would perfer to whack himself off with his habit of magazines and whatever,which dosent bother me,yet,funny thing is that I would like to get laid.I would like to have sex and get off from it and enjoy it at the same time.It seems as though I cant get both anymore.And sometimes its just work.Anyways,I am falling into thinking of things I shouldnt.I am thinking of mean things.I am not getting the attention I want from him,and that leads me to think of evil thoughts and I know that I will eventually turn those evil thoughts into reality.I have done it before.We have these so called scheaduled days.When I have the kid,he MIGHT come over,or he MIGHT call me.When I dont have him though?Oh...he will come and find me at the bar and tell me when its time to leave and what not.And last wedensday,I had said that I needed my Wedensdays back.Back to being mine.Back to my adventures,back to not worring about the time and back to just having a blast.And sometimes I do,sometimes I get mad because I haveto leave the bar...even though I need to,I still get mad because they are no longer mine.And there has been times when Vern has actually wanted to leave me at the bar because he is fucked up and cant get up in the morning if he dosent leave right then and there,and I leave with him.Because if i dont?Then I dont get laid.And sometimes even when I do leave with him,all it is...is work.Maybe I am just tired of not having good sex,maybe I am just tired of the way I do have sex,maybe I just cant have good sex anymore.Either way,I am thinking about not caring about the sex anymore with him because he still does not give me the attention I want and need these days,and since tomorrow is Wedensday,I am pretty sure that I will get the attention I want from the bar folk,just not the type I need. 8:40 p.m. - 2005-12-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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