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last thoughts

It's the finest moment that you've ever had.
Like a fallen star in the palm of your hand.
A sweet dream
It's all I have
A sweet dream
It's all I've got...

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I am thinking of writing again.Like how I useto.Ginkey called me today.And I thought about him.Writing to him and stuff.Maybe letting him in on some things first.Maybe even asking him if he would mind,or maybe just telling him that I want to write again and sell my soul.Maybe he would offer.But this time i want it to be different.I dont want things to change.I want them to stay the same.I just want to be able to have someone I can lean on without worring about anything.
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I've never seen a night so long
When time keeps crawling by
The moon is gone behind the clouds
To hide his face and cry
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I will admit that my stupid plan of self destruction has blown up on me.Without even doing it,I realized that I was actually doing it without trying.Which dosent make it very fun for me.The pain has always been there,hidden sometimes,but is always there.And it has come out of hiding now.I am not sleeping,and its not by choice like I wanted to do.I wanted to give myself pain.To have myself hate everything I do or say because of the way I do things.But its crept up on me.I woke up one morning and just didnt feel very happy.Just didnt care anymore.And my plan was...to do it little by little yet here it is full force.Self pain.Self destruction.I know its all stupid.Yet I love the thought of having this so called secret of hatred for myself.I love the thought of making me hate myself and making me do the things I havent done forever.The self pain.Yet,I have the pain,Ihave the descructioness of the pain.Without even trying.I wanted to feel a certain way.I wanted to make myself accept the way I am feeling by making it worse.But I am not really liking it now,why would I like it if it was worse?Duh.

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Have you ever seen a robin weep
When leaves have turned to brown?
Like me he's lost his will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry
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I have given up on finding that certain someone again.Yet I sit here and wonder if the prince charming will happen to find me.I dont make eye contact with the boys anymore.To afraid that if I do,they might smile and I will smile back and it will lead to nothing.I want the secret admireer deal.I want to walk out to my car and see flowers on my windshield.I want to get little notes left places for me.I want to walk into work one day and find out that I have beautiful exotic flowers waiting for me and everyone wants to know who they are from.And I wouldnt be able to answer them.Until later.I want to be able to make sure that I can feel love again.I want to be able to know that I can allow myself to be loved.I want to know if I am able to love again.

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple haze
and as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry

1:34 a.m. - 2005-07-16

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