Photobucket I have said to much

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Being a poor drunk

A Voice Of Reason

My neighbor has passed away and my mother seems to care about the money thats in the house and getting paid to clean the house.Now for starters...the folks have done alot for this guy.My dad has taken care of him for maybe the last couple years,my mother complained about my father taking care of him the last couple years.I never complained.Instead I was happy to cut his grass on my day off or shovel his walk.My mother was concerned about my 5 dollars I would get from the neighbor everytime I cut his grass,shoveled his walk...whatever.I have realized that my mother married into money,not having any of her own and growing up poor,she has learned to be dependent on my father which leads to her being money hungry now I guess.With him passing away and my father being in charge of the will,my mother talks about the house,about the car about what is in the house and all the antiques,and wouldnt I like this or that?Sure ma,I would but I have no fucking room in my house,and wouldnt that be something if I got the house,the car,anything...
something.I dont get why people get like this when someone dies.I will admit that I got stingy about some things when Kyle died.I wanted and needed certain things.To hold onto the memories that came with these certain items I guess.But over the last two years I have learned to let go.My memories will always be with me.In my head.In my heart.My mother and my neighbor never shared love.They never shared memories,yet stuff is important to her.Materalistic bullshit.I wonder how I turned out like I did now that I have realized this all.And sure,I would be happy to inherit his house,but it aint going to happen.Why?Because he was my neighbor,he wasent a friend,he wasent a lover....a neighbor.That I useto steal his onions and tomatoes when I was younger,and even if I got the house,how the fuck would I pay the taxes,the more then one bill?The fixing up?Thats why I hate material things,it costs you more to have them then just to want them.I am broke right now,for the past month.I still havent paid the rent,I still havent paid off my phone bill and I am quite tired of being poor.I couldve went to the bar this weekend,but instead I sat at home and got drunk.Friday I went to the lesbians,where I stayed until 6 in the morning.Saturday,they came here where I didnt sleep til 4 in the morning.Its starting up again,the drunkeness.And even though its always been there,its coming back like how it was.Where I gave myself a case of insomnia because drinking was more important then sleeping.I dont feel healthy anymore knowing this.I dont even think I look healthy anymore.I am not feeling good about myself being a poor drunk.So when I dont feel good about myself,I tend not to have sex and I know that the Vernage is probably wondering what the hell is going on.He went to the bar on Saturday,called me ansd said that cokeheadwhore bartender wanted me to come up there.And I got rude with him.Come on now...do you really think i would go to the bar while she is working so I can watch you watch her?So I bought him a six pack and as the night went on,and he didnt show up,we drank his 6 pack,and when he did come over,we laughed at him because we drank his beer even though we had about 50 others,we drank his.And he was worried,thinking that I was pissed off at him,and was I?No.I wasent even disappointed that he stayed there for 5 hours,maybe helping her close the bar,maybe even shoving shit up his nose.Its alot easier to go on with life when you dont care,and I have more fun when I dont care.Probably because I drink more.But whatever.Go ahead....call me a drunk,I already know this,do I like it.Yes i do.It makes me happy.It makes me forget.It makes me laugh.

5:17 p.m. - 2005-09-12

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