-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just Say No

Remember the bar I USETO go to?The one where I stopped hanging out in because I would go home crying?Yea...well I started hanging out there again.And so far...so good.I wont allow Rodney to make me cry anymore.He is a typical cokehead.They all are.I have said hello to him now each time I see him,but wont go very far in converstaion with him.Its not worth it.Anyways,since i have been hanging out in my old place,I have noticed all the problems with the stupid coke.And I understand why people think I do it.Over the weekend I sat in the back of the bar and watched all the cokeheads.I watched their one leg go up and down a mile a minute.I watched them talk non-stop.I watched them and what they do...is what I do.But i dont need to shove shit up my nose to have a conversation or to not be able to sit still.The Vernage came up there on Saturday,called my friends phone and told him to tell me that he was on his way.The Vernage had just had his friends funeral that morning and was bar hopping and most likely shoving shit up his nose.And his friend?The one that past away?Yea...half the folks think it was from the booger sugar,half say it wasent.And the half that says it wasent?They all"party",but as I was told the night before...dont we all like to "party"?

*Lets get the Party started*

I dont understand.I dont understand why people would want to even get caught up in certain things.What ever happened to the hippie ways?When all the people you once knew were okay with lighting up a plant?When you could sit and laugh?When you didnt haveto worry about someone taking something the wrong way and poucing on you?The Vernage has no clue what I know.He has no clue how many people I know that knows him that tells me things not knowing that I am with him.It gets better each day.Although parts of the Vernage reminds me of my sweet love,there are so many parts that kill certain parts of me.The drug part.I laid in bed one night next to him.As he laid there sleeping,I laid with my eyes wide open searching for unfound things in the darkness.And then he started.Wheezing,gurgling...whatever.
And I cried.It hurt to hear it.It hurt because of Kyle.He did that the night before he died.As he laid next to me.And here is this motherfucker,laying next to me,bringing me back to where I never wanted to go ever again.I was scared that night.Scared to wake up to something that was cold and gone.

Theres a ship
that sails on by

One night,one day I want to be able to tell the Vernage excatley what goes on in my head about him.About everything.
about what I dream about,what I scream about,what I cry about.The past,the future,the part about"now".About how I wish I could make him smile all day long,and about the drugs.And how that part has been in my life for quite some time now,how it had taken my life away for a while,how it took a life from me.And as well as making me live again.And why cant he do that?Why cant he find a reason somewhere in him to stop it all.Why is it so hard?Maybe I dont understand the addiction to cocaine.But I do understand addiction.To other things.To colorful candied pills,to love,to hurt,to happiness to sadness.And you know what?I stopped being an addict to the candy.To the happiness in a bottle.To the love in a bottle.To the hurt to the sadness that waited for me in a stash of colors.I took those beautiful colors and I threw them out,and waited for those colors to come out of me.To come out of my heart.To come out of my soul.And it makes me alot more happier to know that my feelings are real.That the colors are real.

7:59 a.m. - 2005-10-10

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next