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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The story continues I have a child.A twelve year old boy.He is a good kid.A little cocky at times,he gets okay grades,but overall...he is cool.He dosent like his dad so much,but loves me a little to much at times.Without him...I would not be here.I had him when I was seventeen.I have gotten pretty far with him and I am proud to say that I did do a good job with him.I spent eight years with his dad.Got pregnant after 6 monthes,and stayed for another seven and half years with him.I worked hard.I did what I needed to do.As a mother...as a housewife.I did what made everyone happy.I stayed.When I left him....I didnt know what to do.I didnt know what to do or what not to do.I always had his dad telling me,I always had someone telling me.So then I was off.Off on my own.I would cook dinner for me and the child.And I would cook for three.Or four.I had to learn alot of things.I had to learn to do things differently.I had to learn how to do certain things without having someone there.I didnt miss his dad.His dad was really never there.I just had to learn that it WAS just me and him.So I did.And I started doing things differently.And I got use to it.And it was cool.Going to Piggly Wiggly was cheaper.Cooking was a bit more fun.Living was fun.I never missed him.I never missed anything about him.When the dad got him every other weekend,I didnt know what to do.How to live.I stopped cooking.I slept more.I was bored more.I was lonely.When I got my kid back from the weekend,I cooked,I had fun,I lived...I wasent lonely.And so I lived.I lived knowing what was coming every other weekend.And so because I lived,and because I knew what was coming...I would make plans.Plans to go out,plans to hang out.Plans to live without the child.Plans to make my time useful.Then I met HIM.Love of the life.I met him.And the kids dad took me to court to get him more and I didnt argue it.I just wanted him to be a dad.So then it came down to every other weekend and a day or two during the week,and that was cool.I wasent so lonely then,I had HIM.and He was mad at me for letting the dad get his way.And I understood.But I wanted time to know HIM.I wanted time together,I wanted time to know him before my child got to know him so well.So then the child got to know him.HE got to know the child.I got to know the life I once had in a way.Cooking for three.Living with someone,yet this time it was cool.This time it was okay.This time there were no fights.No brusies,no yelling.This time it was about love.This time it was love.So i learned all over again.Maybe for the first time.I learned about love.i learned what it felt like.What it does to you.I learned how to deal with stuff.I learned how to love.I made the changes.I did what I wanted to do.I left little notes.I still went out.I came home to him when I couldve went home to my own house.And I played the housewife,yet this time it was cool.I was there with my son when he went out.In his house...not mine.And he did what he needed to do.Gave my son a room,gave him love,gave me love.Spent time with both of us.Together and separate.He taught us both.He taught us both how to live as a family for the first time.He was always there.He gave the son a room,made sure the tv worked in that room.Made sure that the playsation worked in that room.And when my son put up posters in that room?It was okay.He taught us alot.And then he took that away by going away.And now?I dont know what to do.Now?I cant learn to do things on my own,now I cant learn to do things with just the kid,because now it just isnt the same.And I HATE IT.I learned....I learned again...and I continue to learn yet I dont change.Because I cant.I cant.It hurts.I cook.I cook for everyone.I hang out,but I hang out cause I have no clue what to do with myself.And now when I have the child.....alone?I feel alone.And its not fair to him.Its not fair that I feel shitty for our time spent together.Its not fair......but I try to make sure that he has no clue.Tonight I am here with him,and on and off I have been crying...he has no clue.I am a good actress.I haveto.And that sucks as well.It sucks that I haveto feel so alone when I have the happiest thing right here....right here with me tonight.I just haveto learn it all over again.How to do it all over again...by ourselves. 6:56 p.m. - 2006-06-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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