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he spins inside my soul

I look up the word "trust"in the great and wonderful dictionary.And it tells me
that it means assured hope,and other things.I dont even think I have hope in this whole relationship thing i am trying to do.He called me last night,about 3 hours after I called him...yet I didnt leave a message,
he tells me that he came home from work and started cleaning and rearranging things.Okay...sure I can believe it all.Really I can.He says that he wants to see me and what time do I work til tomorrow,even though he dosent know if he is going home to do more cleaning or whatever after work.I invite him to Tys open house,yea..right.Why do that?After all,you have no clue what you are doing after work,yet you want to see me,yet not enough to actually do something worth while.I know what he will be doing.I am not stupid and I wont allow myself to think differently.He will be at the bar,doing who knows what,doing who knows who and shoving I know what up his nose...I am sure.Its funny how time has past and I have found out more things about him,and its funny how I just notice things.How I feel certain things,how differently I see things now that I know stuff.

It feels so good
to hit the ground

I am going to look back at the last two years that I have spent alone.How I went from bad to worse.From worse to pathetic,from pathetic to being just okay.From being just okay to not even really knowing or maybe not even caring anymore.I covered up alot of my thoughts,alot of my feelings by hiding behind people,by hiding behind a bottle,by hiding behind a secret stash.And now?Now that I dont really hide to much anymore?It dosent feel to good.It dosent feel good to come out of a shell and try to change things when I feel I have no reason to.And sure,I know that i dont need a "someone"to give me a reason to try to change.But when you think that you might just have a "someone"to help you along the way,or when you think that things might get better in the loving part of yourself,it seems a little bit easier,until you realize that in the end,it probably wasent worth any of the emotions you went through.

Slip inside my soul

The weather is changing.And with the weather I change as well.It reminds me of HIM.I close my eyes and breathe in and I can feel HIM.I imagine that he is next to me,touching me so softly,I can feel his warm breath against my cool neck,I can feel soft lips,soft hands,soft breathing.I can feel HIM looking at me,with his bright blue eyes,
and when I open my eyes,he isnt there.And I claw at my face,my neck,my hands,my lips and I start to shake,and the tears start falling and they dont stop and I wish I never opened up my fucking eyes.

8:02 a.m. - 2005-10-11

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