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gradually growing old

I laid in bed for over 2 hours trying to sleep.Well not really trying,but I was laying there.I am tired of searching for lost feelings,lost emotions,lost whatever.I try to be secret,mysterious,and even confusing to some just to build a relationship with them.Only to run away from them when it does build.I try to tell myself that it wont be the same as before,but that is what I am looking for isnt it?The sound of a heartbeat next to mine.The sound of laughter that is no longer familar,the same blue eyes I useto look into.I dont understand why I cant and dont accept that its gone.That nothing will ever be the same,that the next person will not be the same.That sooner or later if i dont start accepting things,then I get what I deserve which is right here.Right where I have been for the past couple of years.I have no regrets on leaving Dan,he was my biggest accomplishment,I have no regrets hurting the others.The only regret I have is that I didnt stay up that night.And now I stay up all the time.Funny and stupid how that works.

~Leave me alone
its all in my head~

I keep seeing things.Little flashes of things.Things that make me look twice,even triple sometimes.I know its him.He was gone for a while there.Gone when I tried to replace him.And I deserved it.Maybe he came back to remind me of letting go.To let me know that he will be here.That he knows I still have his heart and he has mine.I see myself going back down the road I once left off on,only to take a wrong way.To start over where I left off.To start where he left off.

**Silence isnt fooling anyone**

I am going to start working out.Tomorrow
I promise.Maybe if I do it in the morning,I wont go to work 2 hours before I should be there,and do nothing but sit and read the paper,or watch MTV,or mess with the cooks.My body has done this weird thing.Where it just hangs there.Since I have lost some weight,I have noticed the so called problem areas.And I gotta do something about it before I stop eating all together again.Just to gain double back.So I think that if I do some situps or something,maybe it will make me have a healthier mind,healthier thoughts.I cant give up my beer.I cant count fucking carbs or fat or calories or whatever it is people count.I dont want to HAVETO do all that.Thats a little to much work for me.I would rather sit at the bar and not think about counting,and if I would count at the bar,it wouldnt be the amount of beers or shots,calories,carbs,fat...it would be the number of songs I heard,and how many I liked and how many more i was about to play.So yea...I start tomorrow.

10:42 p.m. - 2005-05-30

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