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My new plan
Round and round
Up and down
til we fall down
I worked today.A long day.Thirteen and a half hours.I think I will do it more often.I think I am done being this so called social person.I dont feel good about myself.I dont like me anymore.And even if I never really did,this time,I cant stand me.Me being the person that I am,the person that I forever want to get rid of,the person I want to change.Yet I never do anythng about it.I drown myself.In booze,in No Doz.I cant function without my daily supply of"a pocket full of sunshine",and I cant sleep unless if I am a proud sponser of the Miller products.I am tired.Tired of just everything.Tired of thinking I will find that so called someone only to go through a series of stupid crushes and little girl dreams just to find out that the dreams are all broken and the crushes...are just that.They CRUSH you.I want to cry.I want to just sit at home and fucking cry my eyes out because of all the bullshit I have been putting myself through.I fight with my loneliness.I pretend that its not there.I go out,have a lovely time,I talk to everyone,I smile at everything.Not to many times have I been an emotional drunk in front of someone.Im tired of faking.Tired of acting like its not there.Im tired of being a *secret* lonely person.Tired of acting like I am forever having a blast.I was excitied about Vern.I really did think that something was going to come out of it but only to find myself calling myself a stupid chick.Stupid because I got excitied.Stupid because it was a bar thing.Stupid because I shouldve never let myself feel that crush with him.Im not going to try to date anyone.I am not going to try to be anyones girlfriend,I dont think it was meant for me anymore.My new plans for life are to work.Work.Work.Work.Go back to my Wedensdays of being the one day I go out.Instead of making the Thursdays follow.And the Fridays.And sometimes even the Saturdays.Go back to working massive hours just to keep myself busy.Just so I have no thoughts about anyone or anything running through my head.Forget about the Bobs,the Tonys and of course the Verns.Its not worth it,and it probably never was.Its not worth taking up space in my head.
12:02 a.m. - 2005-07-02
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