Photobucket I have said to much

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I always complain about how I want to and need to change my life,yet it seems as though that the more I try...it never happens,or maybe it does but always for the worst.I went out with the lesbians on friday to a gay club,I will admit that it was a blast.The strobe lights reminded me of a much younger time,the more I focused on the lights and the people dancing,the more i drank and wanted to forget.I realize that I may never be *super*happy again,but was there ever really a time that I was?I was happy with my sweet love.I know that there was happiness there,yet there were those times that I hated him because of what he did to me,or said to me.Which led to me hating myself.Which made our relationship a bit iffy at times.The Vernage?Well,he has made me feel like shit over and over,and he never really made me feel like that before.It has become a problem for me to even talk to him.Why?All he does is gawk at every fucking female except for me.That was something I wasent to worried about with Kyle.Maybe because it didnt happen 99% of the time like it does with the Vernage.I am not happy with this gawking.I can deal with it every now and then,but it happens all the time.I cant watch tv with him because he sits there and grunts when a female is on,I cant watch a movie with him because of the same reason,I cant go anywhere with him because he sits there and looks for someone just to look at.What the fuck about me?The person who is right there in front of you?I am tired of it.It has become an issue for me yet not to him,so back to Friday,the lesbians,Erin and I leave the club,go back to the lesbians house,where we sat and thought about going to some gay guys house...of course we toked it up while thinking.Erin calls us into the bedroom,and there he has three white lines lined right up.A part of me said that it wasent worth it,another part of me said that I should just so I had a little "secret"to myself.And I did.I dont regret it,nor am I proud.It has been almost 3 years since I did anything like that.So here we are all geeked up and we go to the gay guys house.I stayed til 5:30 in the morning and then came home just to call the Vernage to tell him that I hope he has a good Thanksgiving.Funny,sortof right?I had saturday to think about everything,I had saturday night to realize all that I had thought about.And you know what I came up with?I need to care more about making myself a little bit happier,not for others but for me.In order for me to do that,I need to slow down on alot of things.The drinking?I do it cause i like being drunk,also because I am bored,but there were those times when i could sit at home and get trashed by myself and have a blast,and not worry about being happy,maybe because I was alone,or maybe because all I would do is type and dance and clean and do things.Instead of just sitting in a bar,so I have a plan,and sure it might change in time but as for right now,I plan on not doing the stupid wedensday deal every single week,Im calling it my baby steps,I started working out,I stopped smoking(which I did cheat may I add,but only a hit and well,I felt pretty shitty)and now comes the part where I dont haveto go to the freaking barevery chance I get.If I do feel like drinking,Im doing it at home.I was more of an active drunk when I was at home,and I am not telling myself that I am replacing my home with the bar,but thats how i know I will cut down on the drinking.And as far as the Vernage goes?He can do whatever the fuck he wants,I am not going to let him ruin my self esteem,I am not going to let him make me think that I just am not good enough,because you know what?I am way to good for him,and I will make sure that he realizes it.So thats my plan,and if I can stick to not smoking,to working out,then i can stick with everything that comes with those two.And truthfully..I am so looking forward to spending a good computer night,I havent had one in a while,and I love just thinking about it.

2:48 p.m. - 2006-01-09

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