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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Money for nothing It never bothered me to much that I never had money.I have always been so independant that even when I knew I was low on cash,I would somehow work harder,somehow I would always be the one that said"its on me".It never really bothered me that I always found people to attach myself to that didnt have money.I never looked at money as something that would make me happy,or something that could make me happy.I never wanted to be taken care of.But somehow along came this feeling of liking the idea of being taken care of.Liking the idea of not having to worry about things.Material things.Or how I might pay this or that.As this feeling came along...so did my "friend".The friend that throws money all around.The friend that is paying for my trip,the friend that would take care of me.And then there is Vern.Someone who has not to much to offer but himself,someone who has caused me alot of stress,alot of self esteem issues,someone who has cost me money,someone who has cost me a bit of happiness.With him its always about drugs,sex and booze.Its not to much about fun times,about sharing things together.Its about nothing.Now here comes my "friend",who has always taken care of me whenever he sees me.He treats me like I should be treated...and I allow him too.I cant allow Vern to,only because he cant treat me the way i should be treated.What he has offered me in the past 10 months...isnt enough anymore.I want to see things and do things and have fun and not just sit at a fucking bar all night and get drunk only to TRY to have sex.I want to live,I want to feel like I am living and lately I have found that in my "friend".I am not saying that I am falling for my "friend".I think I enjoy friendship better then anything.I dont think I will ever be ready for a relationship,only because I will never find that ONE person who can give me what I need and want,whatever it may be,but I know that right now?I cant trust Vern,I dont have fun anymore with him,and I would perfer to hang out with people who can treat me good and not make me feel like shit.And maybe money plays a big part...maybe not,but when i am with someone...trust is the biggest thing,and right now...I dont have that,and righjt now I need something to remind me that I am beautiful,and worth something.Not someone who reminds me constantly that my boobs should be bigger or that i shouldve worked out or that im so damn perfect yet they make me feel like shit. 4:22 p.m. - 2006-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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