Photobucket I have said to much

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A touch of love

Your the only thing
thats right.....
In all I have done
+++++++++++++++++++++

Today wasent as bad as it shouldve been.Even though it wouldve been that bad if I worked.So I am glad that I took the day off.I went to the zoo,walked downtown,went bowling,spent tme in my lawn chair in my driveway.I kept busy.I shed some tears but kept busy so I wouldnt shed them.I didnt want to.I did remember this day though.I remembered how I felt and all I was thinking.And how the weather was.Oh I remembered it like it was yesterday.I remembered it all to well.But I did things.I couldnt stay home today and I couldnt work.I had to LIVE.I had to feel alive.For HIM.For me.For my kid.I had to be thankful that I was still here.And I had to be thankful that he is still here.With me.With us.And I missed him like crazy today.Knowing that things wouldve been different if it didnt happen.Knowing that things are different cause it did happen.I miss him.I love him.But I am still here.And I cant act like I am dead when I have the chance of living.

*You Go In Shadows*

I celebrated life and death today.And for a minute I felt guilty as hell.I looked up and saw the stars and knew he was looking down on me.Hoping that I would look up and see him and not see what he sees now.I see him up there.Watching me.Maybe disappointed but he knows.He still watches.I can feel it.And I watch him.I see him in everything.Everything and anything that is beautiful.He still makes me smile even though he is not with me physically.There would be nothing I wouldnt do to spend the night with him.To feel him.To watch him.To hear him.Just to feel him up against me.I cant have it though.I have him in every way else but that.And I think that he wants me to be okay with it all.And I think he knows that I am trying.And he still is with me.I have yet to go into my empty bed.Without him...once again.Wishing that he was here.Hoping that I will wake up from it all.But I will go and yes,I will cry until I fall asleep.And I will only do it all cause I remember how he felt.How he breathed.How he slept.How he made me feel.But I will also leave my hand opened for him.So I can feel him,so he can feel me.And I might not remember it all in the morning.The touch of his so called imaginary hand.The feel of his breath.The touch of his skin agaist mine.But I know that it will happen.I know that he will visit me tonight.He would never leave me empty totally.He will always be there.

11:47 p.m. - 2005-06-21

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