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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cocaine is no good I ended it with Vern tonight.DONE.He left my house without even saying good-bye.And he wouldnt even pick up his phone when I called.But with Melissa and Danyel he would.Here we go again.DOWNFALL.I dont care though,what can you do?What can you do when you know that some how YOU fucked up?What can you do when you dont even know why you fucked up?I did some booger sugar tonight....yea not cool right?I know this.Why did I do it?Because I want to know why the hell it is so fucking important in someones life.I want to know all of this.I have a problem with pills..most dont understand how lovely they are to me...And me?I dont understand others addtions...and I want to,I need too.I love someone...I care about someone and that has been a huge step for me.I dwelled on so many things,so many things from the past,and here I was learning things,feeling things and I wanted to learn more,so I try to see certain things,the things that others may see,through their eyes,And it dosent work.It seems that it never does.Anyways,I ended it tonight.Not cause I wanted to.But because I had too.There was to much there and not enough what shouldve been there,between the both of us,between each other.Love can be stupid.It makes you turn into a whole different person,and in a way...I am glad that I am not who I useto be,but yet,in another way...I am not to happy with the person I am.Yea...I have changed.And I have changed in this wonderful way...but am I happy?No not really....and thats the truth.How can I be happy with myself?Ever?I do what I do because that is expected of me...yet,I long for things.,.and I want things.And I want to understand people and I want people to understand me.And I want to love and understand it all.Because so far....so far that I have felt love?Its all been fucked up....and truthfully...half the time I think its me...half the time I think that I am not worth shit,and the other half?Well...the other half knows that the other person deserves better,so why even bother loving?You still feel like shit in the end. 10:26 p.m. - 2006-01-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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