Photobucket I have said to much

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*Truth is Nothing Yet*

So the Vernage called me,felt good that I let myself just go tonight.I didnt pick up the phone.But i listened while he left a message.Is that mean?Oh and he sounded kindof sad,maybe after a good night of some phone sex,he still couldnt get off...is that mean as well?Im really fustrated with this obession thing.It bothers me a great deal because now i understand Tony and now I understand the reason why a bit more clearly.Which makes me understand the Vernage.And I wont be unhappy for the rest of my life.Funny too...theres this things on the back of the first section of our paper..www.journaltimes.com,anyways,today there is a little question and its all about this ladies husbands obession with porn,and how she feels...yea it DOES make your so called love one feel like shit...especially when someone is obessed.I wanted to rip it out and send it to the Vernage,no return address,no signature,nada...nothing.Ionce did that to my boss at chi-chis.I sent him a engagment announcement for these two gay guys that were engaged or something,and I guess he kept it out n his desk for like 3 months and people laughed because he probaly thought he knew them yet he had no freaking clue.But yea,thats what i wanted to do with the Vernage,yet he would know who sent it.I dont know...whatever.I have no clue why I brought that all up but maybe felt like I had too?After all...I do miss my computer nights,and you know what?I love tonight.I have realized a ton just being non social,and I love it.


**The Shelves At Home*

Downloaded some porn tonight,watched it,masturbated,and ya know what?I have found my g-spot.Fucking finally.
Yea,understandable that you dont want to hear about it,or how about that i wish someone would kick me in my head so I wouldnt feel my damn cramps and I would be force to focus on something else?But really..this is my personal space,so let me do what i need to do....hmmm...
anyways,so i found it,The Vernage wants me to do this for him and that,cokehead sex,no love...just pure fucking.SO I watch this video and I masturbate to it...why not...the boyfriend does it,and apparently,he likes it more then me...so I do it,and I find the spot,and here we go.....its was a great orgasm,cool,I did good by myself.And I am so gonna wish I didnt write this tomorrow but whatever...the time is now...and here the Vernage is...all fuckable,and nothing else,no love no sex,just fucking,and he wants me to do this and that....and he begs sometimes like some sort of addict.And he begs for me to cum in his face and lick his balls and can I squrit for him.No...but I can for myself.Told you I would make him regret it all.Im still working on it all though.He wont regret anything just yet.

*Final Straw*

I took a pregancy test the other day,just in case.I sat there in the bathroom waiting for the results,kindof afraid,kindof not.Kindof happy,kindof not.Sometimes I think he would respect me more if i had his kid....dumb huh?Then I think about Rodney,how he is a cokehead and he is all connected and such and look at his girlfriend,whatver she is...babies momma?You never see her,only on New Years,but ya see Rodney.All the time.Its like the whole life style.Dosent matter if your their babies momma.Dosent matter if they love ya....dosent matter if you think they do

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I love them both.In different ways.I hate them both in different ways.They have both made me feel so bad yet so good,but I hate the bad part.With Kyle I had more self esteem then ever.I did everything he wanted me too,cause he noticed me.All the time.I miss that part.The wanting.The needing.The feeling of being loved.I HAD that with Vern...til it got old for him maybe?I dont like not having self esteem.I can get pretty low.And I hate to admit it with people,but I need people when I am like that and the only way people would know if I was to tell them,so I do,and I make myself tell people,regardless of who they are...just so they wont and cant make me any worse.I puked twice tonight,and would like to do it all night.

11:41 p.m. - 2006-01-09

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