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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- here we go again on our own Have you ever wondered why you change the way you do?Why is it that 3 years ago you were a totally different person then what you are today?Or why all of a sudden you seem "grown-up"?Three years ago I was in a relationship more for friendship then anything else,more for the feeling of being loved then loving.It wasn't a bad relationship,it wasn't good neither,it was just that.A relationship that I relied on to make me happy...to keep me happy.And the guy did....he made me happy...he tried to keep me happy.I wasn't ready to have someone keep me happy at that time.I wasn't able to accept that maybe that certain guy was a guy that would and could make me happy.He did everything in his power to keep me happy.That was three years ago,and now,I kindof wish at times that I never left him.I did break his heart and I do still love him.Him?Oh...geez...he still tries to make me smile.He still tries to make it a better day.He still tries to show me how much he loves me and cares for me.And he totally accomplishes all of it.I think of him and I smile.I look at his picture and I smile.I was quite immature three years ago.Hiding pain behind drunkenness and pills.Only smiling because thats what alcohol and medication does to people.And when I wasn't drinking? I didn't want to be around him.And it wasn't fair to him,and I knew it all along but kept him with me for me.So I wouldn't have to deal with my pain by myself,so I would never have to feel as though I was alone.Things change though.Everything happens for a reason right?I have him back in my life now because of a drunken night.I wrote him a long awaiting e-mail and never thought that he would reply...yet I knew he would.Sometimes....sometimes I think I have a boyfriend just so I have someone to do something with.So I don't go to the movies by myself.So I can go out with someone and say I had a good time.At one point in my life...I never needed a someone.I went out and had fun meeting people and talking to people.I stayed home and always had a clean house and a good time cleaning it.I want that back and I am getting it back.I have this thing....this thing where every time I am in a relationship,it can never last more then a year...it cant even make it to a year.I have no clue why. here I am remembering how much happier I was on my own.How much easier it was.When I am not with someone..I am not sure if I am happier,,,,but I know that I have a better time and I take better care of myself.And I have more friends in my life.Yet when i am not with someone,I tend to have crying spurts that come with me staying home and drinking,I tend to get sad over alot of things...yet I do feel better.Funny isn't it?I accomplish so much more.Tonight I stood the fat fucker up,figured that he has done it to me so why not just say fuck it and do it to the people at the bar cant belive he still "has" me.they could not believe that I was still with him after all he has put me through.I cant fucking leave! He will not allow it and those people at the bar?They are his eyes..In less then a year,I have been almost killed in my own vehicle by him,strangled at his house,called numerous names and been pushed down in my own house.Yes...he is a user...he sells drugs.I love my sweet love.I love him with all I have.When he died...he took my heart with him.He took his hand,shoved it into my chest , ripped my heart out and had such a tight grasp on it that I refused to fight for it.And then he went to sleep...forever.Although I will never get over his death,and I will never get over his pale,lifeless beautiful face,or the fact that I wake up every morning around the same time that he died....no one will ever understand me when I talk about it,no one will ever understand what I go through when I have a thought about him or when I know that it could've been a special day for us if he was still here.No one can give me that except for that one person that loves me...that one person that makes me feel loved.And that one person?He is my best friend.He makes me feel as though I have EVERYTHING.That I am worth EVERYTHING.He makes me feel.Thats it.He makes me feel as though I have the whole world in my hands and can do whatever I want.Yet three years ago,I gave that all up.To go through numerous useless relationships that would get me no where..He is the only person that has ever tried to understand me.My best friend loves to be on the water...for reasons I have never asked him about.Me?I like to be in the air.I can never get high enough when I am flying,when I am up in the air....I am close to the sweet love.Although I dont really believe that there is a god,or that heaven is even up in the air.I believe that people go where they feel the most peaceful..I do think that he is somewhere...up in the clouds,jumping from one to another,I do believe that he is with the earth...enjoying the waters,the trees and the stars,I do believe that he is anywhere with me that I feel peace at,and sometimes I think when the best friend tells me such things like he wishes I could see the sky or how beautiful something looked from his boat...that he too is in my land.Not necessarily with the sweet love but he is peaceful.I dont know.I have been thinking alot lately about everything.And you know...I really haveto figure out a way to kill that fat fucker so I can be free. 11:19 a.m. - 2007-02-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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