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hey..letter number two

Vern,
oh yes another one of those letters.The whole effortless envelope thing and all.
But then again,that really probably never mattered huh?Anyways,let me just get this over with.There is something
wrong with my heart.It hurts.And I swore over and over again that I would rip it out rather then feel the pain again.
And here I am.Trying to figure it all out.Should I rip it out?Or just keep going?And you know what?I think I will rip it out.
I am tired.Tired of what I feel.Tired of being lonely I guess you might say?I needed you today.I needed you and you...
you werent there.You werent there at all.You werent there at all for me Vern.I guess that kindof bothered me maybe?
Maybe it shouldnt...but it did.So that must mean something right?Yea,well everything means something for a while.
And so anyways,here I sit...writing this to you,and smiling when I do it because I am going to give it to you...if not
give it then at lease mail it.Not like the whole last"Dear Vern"letter where I really thought that I wouldnt give it to
you...but I guess that didnt matter either.Things only matter for a while,then they just kindof get old,or maybe boring
or maybe something entirely different,who knows,but we at lease know that they only matter for a while.You mattered for
a while.For quite some time actually.You still kindof do,but thats something that really dosent matter,I dont think it would
change things.And if it would...it wouldnt matter either...cause it all already changed.So anyways,here I sit,writing as I would...
yet a letter to you.A letter that does matter...to me.A letter that I am just writing and typing the things I want,and excuse me if I
get off balanced,excuse me if I go off into other things other then what i am typing about.Unfortunley I type as I would talk
and right now...you are the computer,you are the screen.So here you are in front of me,the easier version of you.The version I
can say these things too.The past couple days,maybe even as far back as two weeks ago,things were different,I know this..
this is why I keep my memories on paper,in a computer ..whatever.You didnt want to be with me.I felt it.I felt the change.
And it was cold.Changed with the season kindof thing.Maybe thats why I love fall.Its a whole different feeling.Who knows why I
love the things I do?I dont know what you think of me,or the type of person I may be,but I dont think I am the type you want
or are looking for.I know your type...I know what your type wants and needs,and I have done everything I absolutely could just to
try to prove myself wrong.And it didnt work.I hate the way you made me feel.I hate the fact that you took me...my emotions...
my heart...my mind.....my soul,you took these things away from me,and you twisted them into this big pile of nothing.You took
your foot and you stomped on all of this nothing,and didnt feel one damn thing.Yet here I am...feeling what you have left me Vern.
I felt love with you Vern.I felt *something*.What my heart did was amazing.What it did to me was amazing.I told you that I loved you once.
I said it to you with my arms around you,and I never said it to you after that.And maybe that was a problem,or maybe it bothered you,
I wouldnt know,after all I didnt even ask you.And maybe I was wrong on that too...for not asking you.But I felt it...if not "IT" then something.
And I am stupid with those words.I tend to take them to heart.Falling in love for me is quite an adventure,I need to make sure before
it even comes out of my mouth.You see...me thinking I am falling in love,and actually being in love are two quite different things.
One means more then the other.And it should.It should matter.So I tend not to let myself fall in love,and if I do...if the feelings are there,
then well,I let those words slip,even if its just for a moment.But that moment that it slips?It matters...it matters cause I let it slip.Let me
reminiscence for a moment.I look at your picture that I just got developed today............

And I remember you walking into the bar.Me trying to catch my breath and make sure you dont notice.And you sat right there...
right in front of where I was looking.And what I felt was something I lost.My heart started to thump bigger and better,and my
butterflies came to life.And I loved it.I went home and I wrote about you.I wrote about you alot.And everytime I would see you,I would write more.And that time with that crackheadmanlady?Oh what a blast that was.I wrote about touching you.And I remember how I felt when I touched you.I remember how happy I was that I could touch you without being obvious.And I remember being nervous about our so called "first"offical date(even though
I had already given you a blowjob)and I remember telling my customers how nervous I was,and how I thought it was all so stupid,and how I wasent going to do it ,that I was I was just going to go to the bar.And how we got a free ride when we did actually do our date kindof thing.And you air guitared in my back room...my litte party room...oh how funny was that?How funny was that time you went to bed when I was dancing to New Kids On The Block?Ha ha ha...and I opened all your mini blinds?And the first time I went to your place,the porn infested house.How fun.What an adventure.All these things that I choose to remember.Dont get me wrong,I can look at your picture and think of other things.................................

I can think of your wrong doings,your habits,your stupidity,your life,how you have hurt me,how you continue to hurt me,yet the good
ones always seem to pop in before the bad ones.I can think of how maybe you have been hurt,how maybe you even continue to hurt.How maybe you dont understand love.Or even the meaning to it.And maybe you have already been through it a number of times...and you dont want to feel anymore.I understand,I totally do.Maybe not in the same way as you do,yet in my own way.I know what its fricken like to love and be hurt.I know what it feels like to give everything and to lose it all.I know these things.....but how could you just walk away from me?How could you do that to me?Was I that bad?Did I not give you enough?I gave you what I had to give,and what I had to give,was alot for me.Because I tried.I tried to make broken hearts mend,I tried to give you what I thought you needed.I tried.And I felt when I tried.It MATTERED.And I dont understand how you can continue to do this to people.How you can just take everything they have and throw it into one big pile of nothing.Maybe I dont understand.Maybe you dont want me to understand.Maybe I cant.Who knows.But you know what Vern?I have lost alot in my life...I have felt alot in my life,I l have learned alot in my life.And it takes you to make me realize that I dont deserve bullshit.You dont deserve bullshit.We have both lived through it,the tears have been cried.But it takes two people to realize that things could always change,they could always get better.I want my life to change for the better.I want to have a stupid wedding,a stupid family,a stupid normal life,with someone that cares,that loves,that tries,that dosent want the bullshit.I brought you into my childs life.So fuck you for letting me do that.How does that make you feel...hurting two people in one shot?And its funny how you asked me if I was normal.Define normal Vern.I bet you cant.Are you normal?Someone who sits there and takes peoples emotions and twists them.Someone who knows all the words to say?Or is it someone who is over medicated,and still knows the words to say and the things to do?Or maybe its someone who is undermedicated and has nothing to say,yet only feels?Or maybe its none of the above and its someone who just feels,and goes with the flow?Who knows.....it says in the dictionary that its"regular,standard,or average".Maybe I scared you off...made you stray whatever.....by the way I told you bits and pieces of this and that here and there.Thought I was being "normal"is all.Thought that was a part of doing this whole"relationship"deal.You suck.You made me open my heart.My soul.You made me feel.And for what?To get knocked down and to bring myself up again.Hey...whatever ...its quite "normal"for me.I can do this.It dosent matter,quite used to it all actually.And for you,well,you will probably continue to do what you do.You are quite good at what you do.So whatever Vern.I thank you for making me give up...just as I was getting use to those stupid butterflies being alive and wanting life.The only difference now?I want life,the butterflies can remain poisioned.The dont matter to me anymore.And I leave you with a dedication......

Lucinda Williams
Those three Days

You dont haveto take it to heart,it dosent matter anymore,the words have been said,the tears have been cried,I am not going to be lonely with you anymore.I can do that by myself really good.So good...that it is quite normal for me.So I hope I left a dent in your heart,cause then at lease something mattered,and then it all just wasent a waste of time for either of us.

1:18 a.m. - 2005-10-04

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