Photobucket I have said to much

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Stashing away the caring

So I got wasted last night.To the point where I didnt remember making out in Verns car.Kindof funny but not really.So because I was still drunk when the Vernage was going to take me home,I told him that I was just going to stay at his house.And I did.I laid on his couch all day and watched tv.So here I am laying on his couch,watching tv,and I just put my sweatshirt on when his door opens.I look thinking it was Vern,and instead it was his friend Angel
you know...that REALLY good friend that stashes his cocaine there?And I didnt know what to think.I mean what the fuck?I know its not my house and everything,
and I cant care about who has a key but still...what the fuck?So he tells me that I scared him,that he just left something there,and proceeds to go into Verns room.He comes out and tells me that he is not sure if he should tell Vern that he was there,he isnt sure if I should tell him.What the fuck?I tell him that its not my house and i see nothing and know nothing.He says that Vern would be mad that he was there when I was there,and that we shouldnt tell him.Yet,when he first walked in,he said that he just talked to Vern,and was he at work?Well if you just talked to him...you would know now wouldnt you?So he leaves.And I laid on the couch and I thought.I thought,good fucking thing I was out of bed and wasent naked any more.Good thing I just put my damn shirt on.Good thing I wasent changing my tampon with the bathroom door open.I mean once again...what the fuck?Why am i not soppouse to tell him?And dosent Vern want some fucking privacy?I mean thats wonderful that he has enough trust into this person where he gives him access to his home.Where this person can just walk in,go into Verns dresser and leave.But I like my secrets,I like having wonderful sex,I like it when I cant find my clothes and haveto go home in his.And if toys are involved,we leave them out at his house cause we sure ant do it at mine,but now?Now that I know that someone can just fucking walk in?No.I dont need people knowing what my underwear or bras look like or if a fucking dildo was used.No...just NO.I dont feel comfortable knowing any of this.I dont feel comfy not telling Vern that I wasent soppouse to tell him.I dont feel okay knowing that this guy dosent want Vern to know.And I sure dont feel right about knowing any of this.I mean,is this guy not soppouse to have a key?Is that why I am not soppouse to tell?Did he even have a key?I mean,the door was locked but its not to hard to pick the kind of lock he has.And I dont know what bothers me the most,this guy having access whenever he wants or him not wanting Vern to know that he was there.I dont know how to think or what to think.And you know,the last couple of days,I can not tell him that I love him enough.I have been thinking about him more often then any other time,I have begun to FEEL this great love between us,and I could just hold him forever.And now this.Now I am feeling like maybe he dosent tell me things because he thinks I will not love him anymore,and not knowing gets me to be unsure of my feelings as well as his.And I feel as though I can not trust him right now.I am in the middle of something here,and I am not liking it.It saddens me to know that it will probably be unhealthy love.And I dont want that.Like i said,lately the feelings have been growing.For a while there,they stopped growing,they just stayed where they were,and now I cant touch him enough,I cant love him enough,and now this happens and I am stuck.My feelings are stuck.I am confused.I have yet to decide if I am going to tell him,but really..I know that I wont,maybe because i dont want to know.Maybe because I cant know.Maybe because I dont care enough about it to know.But its all I have been thinking about.And I am quite fucking confused on why I should not tell him that the dude was there.And maybe Angel just said that Vern would get mad that he was there because Vern dosent want me knowing that once again...he is stashing for his "friend",but I have told him over and over that I DONT CARE anymore.Its not my house,its not my choice,and if Vern wants to shove shit up his nose....he can,I DONT CARE.I dont want him changing for me,I dont want his friends to think that he hasto change because of me,that is why I DONT CARE.But I do fucking care when I am stuck like this.I do care when I am confused.I do care when I am told not to tell someone that somebody was in their house.I do care that I couldve been naked.I do care that I am in the middle of something.And I do care that I feel like this.

11:27 p.m. - 2005-12-15

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