|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A sick year I had said that I had alot to say about the new year...I just dont even know how to write about any of it.It seems as though it is not starting off as well as I need it to be.I stayed pretty much drunk for 4 days.I have no clue why.I didnt care if I hung out with Vern or not,matter of fact,when I was hanging out with him,I left his house to go get drunk.New years eve I felt like shit.The Vernage started to tell me about a chubby red haired girl he saw on tv,but I cut him off before he could finish telling me,yet then he said that he wasent going to say that she reminded him of me...just how she acted.Whatever.Thanks.He then proceeded to stare at every fucking chick in the bar and continued not to even make an effort to look at me.Thanks again.I then found out that when I paid his cable bill...he couldnt pay it because of his obbession with watching porn.Great.Glad to have spent my money on his fucking habit.Towards the end of the night,he told me how he wanted to live with me,I told him...no.I feel like SHIT.I have felt like shit since that night and I am starting to wish that I never started to have the feelings I have for him.For the start of the new year...I have no self esteem.I feel ugly,I feel worthless and I feel fatter then ever.I hate everything about myself.It would not bother me if he respected me when I am with him,but he dosent.Instead he stares at everyone but me and pays more attention to others then me,yet when he gets drunk or he wants some sex....he pays attention to me.And about the sex?Its not the kind I want all the time.he does not touch me,he just fucks me.I need more then that.And because I dont get it?I feel like shit.Today at work,I almost cried.Why?Because i feel like shit and I need to get the fuck out of this place for a while.Here I am trying to lose weight...trying to feel good about myself...yet it is never good enough.Something always hasto bring me down.I did not want the year to start out so shitty.I wanted things to go well in my life,I wanted to change things.But the things that i wanted to change?They went full force as the new year came in.I am so overwhelmed with everything that has been sitting in my head and I just feel so helpless and worthless and stupid and angry and just like I want to scream my fucking lungs out.Alot of the sexual crap has to do with me.I know this.I dont have half the experience he does,I cant even get him off half the time,which makes me not want to have anything sexual to do with him because I feel like shit even trying.Yet I want to try things and bla bla,but he brings it on all to fast.Instead of working with me on things...he brings other things up and it makes it all so much more worse.And maybe I wouldnt feel so shitty if i just said all this to him but I cant.I dont even want to try anymore.Thats how shitty I feel.I dont know what the whole new year thing was soppouse to bring me,but if I knew that it was going to bring me what it had brought me...I wouldnt have even tried to enjoy it.I wouldnt have even cared.I dont know what to do.About anything.About my feelings.About his obession,about how I want things to change,how just dont care.And that is what bothers me the most is not caring.Because now that I know I just dont care...I will show it and I really wanted to try to have a relationship,I really do love him,I really do want some sort of a future with this person...but things are stopping my feelings from growing and they just are going anywhere.The drugs?Guess what I did?I got rid of all of my pills but my sleeping pills and my zoloft,thinking that ghe would at lease say "good job"or something.That maybe it would make him try even harder,yet it didnt matter to him,instead he talked to Erin about "hooking"him up.It feels like I am stuck in this bubble,and everytime I think I am just about to pop it...it gets blown up even bigger then it was before.This year is sucking already.When I thought it would be a year to be less secretive,its turning out to be more then ever.When I thought that this would be the year to spend time with people,I would perfer to go back to where know one knew me.I dont know what the hell to do,and its making me sick. 9:16 p.m. - 2006-01-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||