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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sleep all Night And he called me tonight.When i was away at bowling.So I came home and called him back.And I told him that I would meet him outside the bar with the mutts in tow so we could smoke one.And we did.And we talked and he said that he had alot of fun last week.And i said i did too.And then I said that I was going to get wasted tomorrow and he said..good.Good cause he had alot of fun last week.And that he liked it and that he is glad that I feel the same way.Hmm...do I really?Do I really feel like sex is all I have to offer or that sex is all he hasto offer?I think we both may have potential.I think we both may have some issues to overcome.I think we both are each others issues.
I want to be able to have someone over.A normal kindof home thing.Somewhere where you feel comfortable.Sitting around in your home with someone maybe watching a movie.Maybe cooking them some dinner.Not like a housewife type a thing.More like a boyfriend thing.Im starting out different this time remember?Im not rushing things and I refuse to think things.But I think it would be a blast to once say"hey you wanna watch a movie".And I did that with Tony once.He brought some beer over.My end table was out in my living room then,and we sat on the futon.Watching a movie,drinking beers.And it was okay.I felt okay doing it.I felt a little stupid,my home being what it is.But it was nice.I wish I couldve invited Vern over tonight,but I dont think i am ready for that yet.Plus haveto deal with tyler.And dealing with Ty means I haveto deal with him dealing with the "him".And I dont want to do that either just yet.I am just learning that because I have been single for quite some time,or maybe I should say"really attached"that the kid seems to enjoy me being by myself.Which I think is quite unfair to me.He seems to be telling me these days that i shouldnt sit outside.That I should sit inside and do nothing.I ask him"Ty what is there for me to do inside"and he says...I dont know...nothing.Yea excatley my sweet child.I enjoy the outdoors.I enjoy breathing the air.I enjoy looking up to the sky.I enjoy my peace,I enjoy my feeling.He dosent quite understand why he cant make me happy and content by spending time with him.Although he has son number two over for night on end,he wants be to be inside.Locked up.By myself.Going crazy.Boy,is he turning out like his father.
And I do feel bad for him.You know like when he was younger,we did alot.We did crafts and such.And Dan was never around.And I had no friends.But I had Ty.And that was cool enough for me.And little by little as Ty got older as I got older.As I started to live as he started to grow,I did other things and I did them with him and without him.But since Kyle,he has alot of problems with stuff.Like me and boys.Which okay..its understandable.Yet he will attach himself on the one person I dont want him to.Like Ginkey.Like Josh.Like Tadd.Even Mark.Only cause these guys would go out of their way for Ty.They would make sure that he got his way,all to win me over.And it never worked cause it would piss me off.I would say that Ty didnt need something and then all of a sudden I am the bad one cause so and so gave him just what i said no to.And its stupid.My kid dosent realize that i am not happy with stuff like that.I want to to be able to have some guy that I am liking over without Ty being so mad and hanging over our shoulders.Because that is what he does.And then when I ask him to stop....there he goes he stomps off into his room.I have alot of changing and taking time to do these days and I think i am OKAY with it.I think I can do it.I think I can take my time with everything this time and let what I make of it all...guide me 9:17 p.m. - 2005-07-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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