|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- turning the frown upside down I tossed and I turned.I watched t.v,I tossed some more.I read.I turned some more.I went on the computer.I went and read some more.Finally I fell asleep.My mind was going last night.About the Vern thing.And I know what I am going to do.I am giving his pictures back to him,along with the concert tickets,the concert that is tomorrow night.And I am going to tell him that no explanation is necassary,only because none will do.I thought about if that was the right thing to do,the only thing to do.And I thought about how it was before I found them,and how it is now,how it was even after I found them.And I thought about all the times he said he was doing this and that,going here and there,and how I never REALLY believed him.I could never think that I could really trust him since those pictures have been found.Everytime he told me that he was doing something I would make a joke to friends and tell them that he was going on a photo shoot,or that maybe he needed to go to Walgreens for more film.The pictures never left my mind.The trust has not been there for a while.And I dont want to be the stupid bitch or end up with a disease that maybe cant be cured...like herpes or whatever.I also thought about the things we have done in the past.Like sit at the bar.Or go to the drag strip and drink.Or sit at my house and drink.Or how he never changes his routine,and you know what I think?I think i have way to much energy for him.I think that I dont want to sit at a bar all the time.Or sit and drink.I dont think it was ever a very healthy relationship.He wants kids...yet isnt even willing to spend time with the child and me....god forbid him change his routine of going to the bar.And the porn?Way to much of it.Way to fucking much.At first it was fine.Going to his house for the first time....I was fucked up,I remember all the porn laying around,but then when i was sober and I saw how much there was...the magazines,the videos,the cable being shut off because of it,his phone being shut off probably because of phone sex...no....how can anyone be comfortable with themselves knowing that their boyfriend has a problem with sex?And there were times when he would jam his shit inside of me and I would be sore for days,I would be so raw that it hurt to walk.And for what?He didnt even get off,and neither did I.And sometimes he would scare me with what he would say about the whole sex deal.Some of it was disgusting,some of it was just scary.So I thought last night,and i think that I am making a good choice.Yet....I will admit,that my "friend"has helped me make this choice because he treats me with respect,and thats something I have not had in a while.I am not looking to start a brand new realtionship with my "friend",and I can be honest with him about that.All I have been doing for the past 3 years is jumping.One person to the nextI transfered feelings from one person to another.None of it has ever felt right.Thats why I always left in the end...I am sure.None of the feelings that I wanted to have were really there.And I am not going to promise myself or anyone that it wont happen again,but I am going to try to change the way I think,the way I love,the way I make things go,and for right now,I think that that is all I can do...work on those things and maybe in the long run,I will turn out okay. 8:06 a.m. - 2006-03-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||