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fear of the skeletons
And I must say that I am in total fear of tomorrow.If it even happens.And if it does happen...I will still be in fear.In fear of the fact that it will be what I think it will be.What I always thought it would be.What it already is made to be.What it already is.And waking up this morning,two hours before my alarm went off,still maybe a bit drunk,I was bursting with enthusiam.I got out of bed,and went and walked the dogs right away.Went into work only to smile all day long,only to be so happy that it even probably looked stupid.To smile all day.And I told J-dog and Mr,Matt about my so called"date" and thats when the fear
set in in a sense.J-dog kept saying something about what the Vernage would get,and that is what he wants,and Mr.Matt sat there laughing and I guess they are right.Its a joke.Jokes on me....ha ha.But I dont want to screw up this time like i did the other times.I dont want to have sex with this person,suck him off whatever.I want to be able to have a normal thing.A normal "date".I want to have something normal.And its all up to me.I screwed it all up the first time and I dont want to do it again yet the Vernage most likely will expect that.And I cant blame him.Only cause I already did half the deed which was and is stupid on my half but dont you live and learn?Or do you just keep living and not learn?Yea,that sounds like me.And when I want to start learning it seems like it is to late.To late cause I already fucked up.And sure I could be honest with him and say that I want a normal thing,yet once again....fear sets in.What if's happen to make their way through in my head.And it ends up with: What if he dosent want a normal thing.What if he just wants sex,what if he will give up what if what if what if?And what if I am honest and end up getting hurt?Yet if I am not honest...I will get hurt.I would hurt myself by not being honest.Then again maybe I am just making it all worse by thinking the negative things,which i am quite good at and this would be why I really dont try new things.Sometimes i perfer to want other then have.Even though having is nice,most of the time,it turns out that I wish I didnt have the things I wanted and suddenly got.
3:39 p.m. - 2005-07-19
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