Photobucket I have said to much

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my desire

I thought that I would have this great night tonight getting all stoned and whatever.No,Seems as if I just dont have the energy to be all fucked up and stay up for hours.And knowing this has made me realize something.I dont have any energy anymore.It feels like I pour it all out in the morning by getting out of bed.I just want to sleep.Take some muscle relaxers and sleep.Take a sleeping pill and sleep.Take something and just fucking sleep.I feel like this when the Vernage isnt around.When Tyler isnt around.When no one is around and I am just here.Doing nothing.Cause I have no energy.

**I keep my eyes wide
open all the time**

Im going to Chicago for the weekend.I can honestly say that I am looking forward to it.Just wish i had more energy.And when I am gone,I am quite sure that Vern will be back to the habits again.Whatever the habits may be now.Regardless if its new or old....he will be back to normal.Although I would rather him be honest with me and tell me if he is still doing his habits,or if he has done them,I cant know them.The whole trust thing.The whole insecure thing as well.Which may I add....needs to go the fuck away?

*The sun never shines
through this window
of mine*

I went to the situation today,caught massive bodybuilder staring at me.Smiling.While he was staring.I smiled,he continued to work.After a coule minutes I pretended not look in back of me.Couple guys...couple girls.Girls who were alot better looking then me.Girls who made me put it up to level 8,girls who made me put an extra 10 minutes on the machine.Yes,my insecurity.So I thought nothing of it.Not until massive bodybuider stood in front of me and goofed around trying to be funny.So I laughed,so he could leave.As I got my coat on,he asks me if I was leaving already,I asked him if he thought I should stay longer.He said"well...of course"I chatted with him for a bit.Seems as though what i do when I am there...is okay.We talked about how much time I do each thing for and whatever,and he tells me that he thinks that i am doing good.With my times.Says that I shouldnt stay on the glider for as long as I do,he thinks I somewhat over do it.But...yes there is a but...he says"BUT if it makes you stay longer when I am here....go for it"Hmm...I stay on it as long as I want to,not just because he is there.But whatever.I dont care.I am a bit flattered that he watches me,that he looks through other chicks...for me.So maybe...just maybe,his flirting will do me some good.

8:19 p.m. - 2005-11-22

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