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Let the sun shine in

Things always start out fabulous.Things are always so great in the begining.
Until you start to see things and feel things.Then it all goes to shit because it dosent grow,it stays just where you want it to stay.When things are great,because after all..they couldnt get much greater can they?It dosent bother me that Vern is bisexual.I think its funny that he has had a threesome with a guy before but never a woman.And when I saw his friend in his room Friday night,the first thing I thought about was that Vern was fucking him or blowing him or whatever.And maybe thats mean to say,but whatever,its what i thought.And it made me feel a little sick,knowing,or at lease thinking that I knew.But the big bang was the whole chalky shit by his nose.I dont like it.It dosent bother me that he does it,yet he tells me that he is trying and bla,bla...well then try harder motherfucker,because I cant and wont deal with it and I cant and wont understand it.He says he loves me,then it shouldnt be that hard.I dont want to start playing his game,but the more I think about it,the more I like the idea.
After all...I am so fucking sweet and nice,until someone fucks with me.

*Dosent Matter What I Say*

I thought about Josh last night.I truly
believe that he did love me.He was always there,got mad when he shouldve,laughed when I needed him to.So I stared at his picture,and remembered the times we had,before and after everything happened.And I missed him.I missed talking to him,laughing with him,crying with him,I missed him and his love.To bad it took me so long to realize it.To bad I cant have his friendship back.I relied on him so much.And I could tell him anything.He took care of me when I needed it.And right now,I need it.

*Torn Into Pieces*
I cant breathe right now.I need someone to pound on my chest to get my heart pumping again.Im crying more and sleeping less.And I feel so alone.Last night I made a nice dinner for me and Ty.We didnt eat it.He left with the adopted son to go to a boy scout meeting instead.And sure I couldve told him that he had to stay home,but he needs something in his life that he enjoys so I let him go.Took a knife to the tenderloin,cut it up,took the potatoes,put them in a bowl,and put it all away.And i sat at the table.With my stupid boones farm,and I felt like shit.I cant even have a nice dinner anymore unless if I do it by myself.I just want to cry,I want to claw at my neck,grab my cheeks,pull my hair.I want to scream,I want to clench my fists to the point that they bleed.I fucking hurt.My heart hurts.My head hurts.And I cant even sleep to make it all just go away.

8:47 a.m. - 2005-09-27

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