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its better for me then you

So i thought that I would only go out for a couple beers last night,you know...be home by 10 kindof thing.The kindof thing that never works.I had alot of fun though.Come to think of it....I have had alot of fun this week.All I have done is get fucked up almost every night.Not even at home,but the bar.I cant be doing that shit anymore.Yet I need to.Those are my bar people,they love me,most love to hear me laugh,others would love to kill me.But they all have been through alot with me,or know alot about me,either way,I have always had a good time when I was there.Im not by myself.And I can laugh longer and better.And I dont haveto care.

*I fake it So Real
I am Beyond
Fake*

Robert said something to Ty about Kyle and Xena and Ty looked at me like it was a taboo thing.Like it was something wrong.I drank the whole bottle that night,and I was so fucked up that I ended up throwing it away...when i couldve saved it.Maybe if I saved it I wouldnt feel guilty drinking another bottle.He was all happy about the wine rack,you know,like he wouldnt ever drink the wine,and neither did I.Except for once,cause I bought some and went over there,and I had drank my whole bottle,and he had drank most of his barcardi,and he looked at me and asked me why I was going to leave to go get another one when he had some right there?It was still early yet,and it was warm out,cause Bob called and I answered his phone.And I had to go outside to give him the phone.Cause he was fucking around in his Sears van.

**Kill me Pills**

This zoloft crap is not working out for me.I think once again I will stop taking them.I would perfer to stop taking that then my little *energy* pills.But I will still get the re fills,just because I can.And I want to stock up.I have still yet to make a *genie* appointment.And I really need to.I haveto get something better that I already have.I haveto be more crazy and just tell someone how *it* feels.I haveto actually cry in front of someone.I haveto let *it*all out.And the more I think of it,I think its worth it.I think its worth it because,why not stock up on everything and anything?After all you were "crazy"
enough to do it,so why not enjoy?

8:20 p.m. - 2004-11-22

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