Photobucket I have said to much

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A drunken blast

*Nothing to Prove*

Yesterday as I waited in fear.Thinking that Vern just might stop in at work,to verify our so called "date"plan.
It didnt happen.And when it didnt happen,I got sortof ticked off.Knowing that I was freaking out about it and
such and now ...nothing?So I left work,only to come home and open a beer thinking of how stupid I was
for even making myself fear something that I already knew was nothing.And then he called.Ha.And he asked me
about the movie,and did I still wanna go see it.And I looked at the showtimes and told him that it was all up to him.
Not me.Cause,I dont know anything and I am not picky.So we agreed to meet
at the bar.Yea...why try something new?Why even try to not get drunk?Why even try to do what we were trying to do sober?Things are alot easier when you are drunk.Things are way easier.
And through out the night,the drunker we were getting,the more things came out.About everything and of course about nothing.The everything and the nothing mattered though.Somehow everything we told each other had some sort of back up as to why we were saying it.And maybe it was cause
we were getting drunker.Who knows.I found out that he as well is not good with relationships.And as I sat there telling him that I am no good at them,and that I usually fuck things up,he told me that I had no clue.That he is the one that fucks them up as well.And how I slurred when I told him
that I didnt want to fuck things.That I liked him alot.And I want it to be something.And he told me that
he does too,and maybe i should think about having a boyfriend.And of course our conversations werent just about"us"
and what could be and such.They were about other things.But those other things are the things I dont remember.I only remember the things that were said that I wanted to say or the things that
that were said that I wanted to hear.And as we sat there staring at each other we went in for the kiss.
Every chance he got,he wanted to kiss me.In front of the bartender,in front of the two others that were in there.
And I did feel uncomfortable.Cause I didnt want to fuck it up.But then I thought that I already did.
So why not continue it all?And as I sat in the bathroom on the toilet peeing,he came in,and of course we made out.
Cause after all,I already fucked up.A while later after we steamed it up even more,we left,only to make it out to his
car where we drunkenly tried to have sex.But after fumbling,and after giving up,I was on my knees,with my pants
down in the parking lot giving him yet another blowjob,cause remember...I already fucked up.And after we drunkenly
stumbled with that situation,we made ourselves to my house,where jesus,it was kindof nice.The roughness of it all.
We laughed at the fact that my bed is on wheels,and he told me that he loved me,which was and is so fucking stupid
and I know this.I realize that he was wasted and so was I,but I kindof liked it.Hearing that.I kindof liked him asking him if he could be my slave,
if i could be his mistress.I kindof liked the fact that it was so rough yet so beautiful.And this morning
when my alarm went off at 6,which I didnt even remember setting,he looked over to me,and we once again drunkenly tried,yet I had to make him stop cause, I was sore.And I even thought that the whole idea of me having sex,having rough sex,me being sore from all this wonderful crap,was just awesome.He left,I showered,came back upstairs to examine my weight loss and noticed that I had bruises.On my hips,on my arms,on my back.And I thought that my night was even more of a blast.and he left me a message telling me to have a good day.And with that,I went into work smiling.And all day I was remembering certain parts of my night.And all day I was smiling.Mr.Matt told me that I was in a good mood and I told him that I knew I was.And towards maybe the eighth hour of my shift,Vern was there.And I sat with him each time I could and when he left,I gave him a kiss,only to come home and dial his number to find out that he didnt pick up.Its okay though,we cant fuck it up anymore then what we both already did.

*I have a Confession*

Even though I had trouble walking today and my legs were just a little sore.I loved it.I was always interested in the alternative bedroom scene,just never had the chance to explore.I love the fact that he can tell me what he wants and what he likes,cause then it helps me.And because he came into work,and because he wished me a good day,I think he likes it all as well.But I wont go that far just yet.Nope.I will not let myself.I refuse to get attached to this guy who is 15 years older then me,who like me,buries himself in beer.Yet because of these things that made me smile all day and continue to do its job,I want to attach myself.I want to want him and to have him.I want him to solely be mine.I want him to be the one that leaves me flowers.I want to be the one that leaves him flowers.I just want to be the one that does not fuck any of this up,yet know I already did.And will continue to do it.

10:50 p.m. - 2005-07-21

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