Photobucket I have said to much

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sorry i ever flirted

I got trashed last night.Absoutley trashed.Came home in the early A.M.Called Josh.Yup...just like old times.I cried to Josh this morning.Laying in bed with everything spinning I told him how I took advantage of him...and I feel so bad because of that.I told him how Il ove him OH SO MUCH....how he dosent deserve having a friend like me since I dont do anything for him...how he does everything for me.How I relie on him for everything,how I try not to yet...I haveto because he is all that I have.And after I said what was said,and after the tears had a good run down my face...I told him that I had to go and just hung up.I left him.Wondering.Wondering if I was to be okay...wondering if I really was that upset or if I was just that drunk,,,,and this morning when I woke up?I realized that I had done it all over again.That once again...I relied on him.That once again...he was my shoulder,once again,I needed him.Some people feel the need to be needed,I dont know if he is one of them,...but I always need him.I always make him feel needed because i always fricken need him.And I need him at the worst times and I need him at the best times and over all I just need him.So I went ahead and gave him a jingle this morning...still a bit drunk and told him that I was sorry and that I felt like hiding somewhere from everything because I just feel stupid.And that I even felt stupid leaving the message but felt as though it was needed.I then put the phone to rest and wet about my day.I wanted to go back to bed but felt somewhat of a champ.I had little sleep Tuesday night...about 3 hours...worked until a little after ten last night and off to the bar I went.After the bar...off I went for more drunken beers only not to arrive home until almost 5.And so here I was....5 hours later feeling great.I showred and got dressed and went about.Drove around with the dogs,stopped here and there and came home and worked on my bulletin board for the bar.I put all of my pictures from the last two nights up there and tacked them onto this board ...put a little border around it...and off to the bar I went to drop it off.On my way out the fat fuck stopped me....I explained to him that I just didnt fucking care anymore.That he treats me like any other worthless person.That I dont deserve any of the bullshit.That i dont want any of the bullshit anymore .....that I wont have any of the bullshit anymore.He told me not to talk to him like that.What fucking balls.I shouldnt talk to him like what?Tell him how I feel?Tell him what I dont fucking deserve?Whatever.He handed me some valiums...."for the nights that I cant sleep"I told him that I no longer lose sleep over him and those valiums are quite worthless but thanks anyways and off to the bar I went.And I drank more.I dont know what the fat fuck thinks.I really dont fucking care.I hope this time Im not forced again....

7:52 p.m. - 2007-03-01

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