Photobucket I have said to much

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rehab is for quitters

~*~You cant always get what you want~*~


He called me yesterday.I didnt listen to the message he left.I just deleted it right away.There is a reason I am putting myself through this detox.I feel bad right now because maybe he has no clue,maybe he does.How would i know?I havent talked to him.I dont know what to say to him,so the detox might be a good thing.It dosent feel very good though.I keep thinking that I will stop remembering certain things,like the state fair,and how much fun we had,and the drag strip,and how cool that was,even the car shows.I think about thiese things and it makes me lose sleep.I havent gone to bed before 3 am yet,I was up til four this morning thinking about what he was thinking.And I know that its not fair to not talk to him,to not tell him what is going on,yet I am speechless.I dont even know how to come around and tell him what I found.I once told him that I could go on acting as though I have never even met him,that I am really good at ignoring people,and even better at kicking them out of my life.And in a way its true,I can ignore people,I can forget about them while they are around me,but when I am by myself?All i do is think about how much I dont want to forget,how I shouldnt haveto,and how much life sucks because I haveto forget.I dont know what I am doing with my life anymore.Out of everything I have ever "forgot",out of everything I have "ignored",I wish I could just do it to myself,ignore myself,forget about me,and then maybe life wouldnt haveto suck.On another note,I have tomorrow off.My plans are to drop the kid off at school,go work out,talk to my tattoo guy,then off to the dentist.I hae Wedensday off as well,I requested it off for no reason,and I should work,but now I have made plans,drop kid off...work out,maybe get my tattoo done,go visit Kyle and off to get drunk.Plans always change for me though,I try not to make them just for that reason.I am taking the child to the bar with me today,I was invitied and so was he.Which is cool.I dont get into football,but I will sit and watch it,and I like the idea that the bartender told me that I could bring the child with me.He has been in there before,i think its cool that he gets to see where I get drunk at and where I know all of my friends from.My mother useto take me there when I was about his age,by 14 I was a regular there with her,while she drank her beer,I drank selzer and lime juice,and I smoked,so of course I thought it was cool.and here I am 15 years later,still going to the same bar,drinking beer,and keeping the tradition alive by dragging my child there.

2:23 p.m. - 2006-02-05

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