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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a bowl of CRAP. I think I had bad luck all day.I was disappointed last night.At Vern,at myself.Just disappointed.I woke up earlier then I wanted to,yet went to sleep around 4....thats crap.I went into work.I opened the resturant only to find out that I didnt haveto open.I didnt even haveto be there til 11:45.That was crap too.I was so disappointed at all this crap that I wasent my normal talk a mile a minute self.I took a break from work,went home,tried to take a nap,only to find myself back at work once again....early.When i pulled in the parking lot,I saw a huge stupid crow.And it had a robin in its mouth.No fucking way.I scared it off,not knowing if the bird was alive or not,oh but of course it was.And i didnt know what to do with it.I wanted to magically touch it and heal it.As I sat there and looked at the robin,the crow was watching me.I took a shirt and was going to lightly pick the robin up and put it in a safe place.Hidden.Away from the crow.But it started hopping around.And it was pretty banged up.Broken wing,broken beak.But at lease it was hopping right?At lease it was okay right?I went into work.To have something to eat,told everyone that I saved this bird.I was happy.Happy that I saved something since i can never save myself.I went outside for a cigarette,only to find it laying there.Dead.Right where I left it.Right where I thought it was okay.I felt like shit.I hated the fucking crow.I hated work.I hated myself.I hated Vern.And I hated the fucking robin for giving up.I wanted to go home.And it was all crap.I got home tonight only to of course walk the dogs the normal crappy route.Pass the bar.And yea,he was there.I walked past the window and recieved no Hi.No big deal.Its not like he ever did that before so why would he do it now?As I walked the mutts,I thought that maybe he was up there for me.They close early on Saturday nights.Why would he go there?Then again,why wouldnt he?I dont know.What a crappy fucking day.And I am glad that it is almost over with.Im getting wasted again tonight.Day/Night number 5.Whatever.At lease Im a good alcoholic and not a bad one.Im not gonna do this Vern thing.This is another Tony thing.Even though my neighbor said that Vern was a good guy.I cant do it.I want to but cant.Its going to be nothing.Its going to lead no where.Its going to leave me feeling like a helpless empty whore.Even though hey,it could be different.This could be IT.Whatever.Its all crap.My thoughts are crap.My feelings are crap. *Lost Inside* Ginkey talked to Josh the other night,and told hiom that he hung out with me.And Josh got pissed.He asked Ginkey how he could do that to him.And then Ginkey went to the bathroom and Josh left a full beer.He never came back.I miss Josh.Miss the talking.Miss the letters.Miss the drunken cries.With him.But then theres those parts that I could never miss.And the parts I cant let go,and the parts of letting go.Cost me 62 bucks to put Kyles memorial in the paper.Its beautiful.I wish someone could understand it all.My full situation I guess.Josh was cool.Cool person.Good heart.But we fucked it all up.And I dont know about him,but I know it,maybe he knows it.Maybe we both know it and we do sit and think about it.How we fucked it up.Its all crap.Everything is crap.Today was just crap.Waking up was just crap.I fucking hate crappy days. 9:41 p.m. - 2005-06-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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