Photobucket I have said to much

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stronger then babies

I took Vern to the *star*tonight,spent a hundred bucks that I didnt have but whatever...its all going to the red cross,makes me feel better although I am quite poor right now and still haveto come up with the rent money...but its all OKAY.I feel way better about myself.Tonight was quite interesting.He asked me finally about the birth control situation.I told him the truth,he says"hey thats great...lets keep trying to get you pregnant"Okay Mr.Vern...where the hell would I put a baby?Where would you put a baby?So through out the course of the night he says lets buy a house with the baby....um,geez,I cant buy a house and you already lost one,so yea....lets talk some more.Its amazing what feelings can do to people.You never think til it all happens,and then you will think that life sucks since it was so good before.And BAM.....now you have something to worry about,something to think about.Yea,I may have wanted a ton of children once in my life...maybe even twice,but when you think about how much would change and how many things you would haveto stress about,its really not a good thing is it?

* I Try To Feel Alive*

I talked to him tonight about things.About the sweet love,he says,oh the one on your back?Yes,the tat on my back,he is the one.Was the one.So through out the course of the night I tell him things.Not to much,not to little either.And he says to me..."you really liked this guy didnt you?I told him that he was a good guy.I didnt tell him how much I loved him or how much I missed him.I just told him that he was a very good person.And so the subject changed to other things.To the sweet loves friends and what I went through with them,and what I went through before the sweet love.The overdosing and such and he asks me if I am okay now because he dosent want a crazy girlfriend.I tell him that I am okay.And does he not think I am?I am not okay all the time I admit,I have been through alot of shit that I never gave myself time to heal about,but does that mean that I am not okay?That I cant lead a normal life?That I cant share the good and bad times with someone?Oh I will admit...i cry often,and I cry hard,and I crave,and I want and I need and I miss and i hurt but does that mean that I am not okay?Does that mean that I am crazy?Do my feelings make me crazy?Because I will tell ya something.I was NOT happy on my stupid valuims,I was NOT happy being alone.I was NOT happy doing what I was doing,which was nothing,I was so NOT happy.And maybe I am not one hundred percent happy now,but its been a long fucking journey and where I am at now,where I am now,I am okay,and if my past makes it all seem like I am crazy,then I wont and I cant be happy with this person.I sometimes feel like I am a nut.Sometimes I feel like the pills could stop ALOT,but I have been there,its all fake.Its all so fake.And right now,I am so okay because,well,I have nothing to numb me but beer and pot,and I only escape shit so i can talk about it,cause yes,it is easier for me.But I also dont want someone....anyone to ask me if I am okay now,because really...if you think about it,when is anyone just okay?Theres always going to be something there to remind you,always something from the past that makes you feel like shit.That makes you feel as though life sucks....it dpsent mean that I am going to down a bottle and call it quits,the saying stays strong with me.....


WHAT DOSENT KILL YOU
WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER

10:21 p.m. - 2005-09-05

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