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I can to...so there
I think people are starting to realize that I can be all blah.No one really tried to fuc with me today.No one even really tried to talk to me.Danyel did.And I talked to her but not happy like.More less like whatever.I really cant help it.I cant shake it off and pretend.
-->the past is just goodbye<--
Last night I cried.This morning I almost did.Even at work.I dont know why really.I mean I have hated things before
I have hated them worse then this....I think.I have been thinking alot about him.Summer is hard.Summer is when we first got together.Summer is when he left.So its a no-win situation.I cant be happy and I cant be sad.So my mind has no clue how to react to my feelings,cause they are all fucked up.Im not sleeping at night and I am sleeping more during the day.I wanna work more so I dont sleep.And I dont want to have my stupid Wedensdays anymore.I dont want to haveto go out.I dont want to think that just cause its Wedensday that i should go out cause hey after all ...I have been doing it forever.Well fuck forever cause forever is meant to be broken.I dont want to be a social drunk anymore.I just want to be a drunk.I dont want to 'haveto'have a good time.I dont want a good time at all,and if i do,then just with me and the dogs.And I want to do more things with my kid.Like good things,Great America and all.So I haveto work more.I haveto start buying beer and wine for my pleasure.For my little place i want to be at.I am feeling quite shitty.And I might know why,but i might not know why.Everything I have been through,I have already been through,the Bob,the Vernage.The stupid Tony.Maybe its because I am giving up on it all.I cant have a relationship.Ever probably.It just cant be.Whatever.I know this.I miss the times where I could just go somewhere and do whatever.Say whatever.And it never mattered cfause people really didnt know me..only parts.I dont miss the Tonys or the Bobs.I kindof miss the Vernage,but it would be nothing.Cause thats what it was.Probably for the both of us.I cant miss the Josh.We had something more.We had something better then all of those.We had each other.
12:13 a.m. - 2005-07-09
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