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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- making plans He gave me some tickets.To go see the Killers tomorrow night.And I thought that was nice.I thought it was great.I have no one to take with me though.Except for the person that I dont wanna take.So maybe I will go by myself.At lease that way I dont haveto worry about getting fucked up,and worry about someone spending the night when I dont want them too. **destiny is calling** I went to pick-n-save again yesterday.I saw him.My stupid crush.Like I am 12 or something.Everyone that I have told wants me to talk to him,I told them that the fun would I go away then.Things I wanna know,I wouldnt wanna know anymore,things I care about,I would stop caring...no I think I will keep what I have.With him....with myself.
I like having the thoughts I have about my crush.I like having my make pretend life.I like being alone with these thoughts.I dont want to share them or explain them.I dont want to hide them.I have realized that I hate people trying to get close to me.I hate all the touching,the gentleness of it all.I hate the caring of it all.I dont want someone to care about me to the point where they HAVETO have my thoughts.I think I use people.Up until they get to that point,where they need to know,where they haveto be with me.And then its so much harder to get rid of that person.I have had a couple to many guys come and go since Kyle left.I noticed it the other day and for one time in my life,I had to laugh at me.I had to laugh at my feelings and my thoughts.I never wanted to have sex with anoyone ever again,and here i am having the most sex I have ever had,with more people then I have ever had,and its not fucking funny.I am disgusted with myself and my thoughts.I am ready to go on living as I once did.Keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself.Keeping my life to myself.It was so much less complicated.It wasent so hard.There wasent as many angry thoughts as there is now.There was nothing to do then sit around and think.And I was much more happier. 5:23 p.m. - 2005-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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