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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- be gone bygones Its just about bar closing time and I am not even comng home from the bar...I havent even been to the bar.Instead I have been in my bed for the last 6 hours trying to sleep.Xmas eve was fun.I spent some of it working,and some at the bar with Vern and Erin.Then we were off to the lesbians.It was fun.Spending holidays with the friends was something I have never done.We were pretty trashed.Vern had mentioned some stuff to me about the whole stashing deal and how he was unhappy with a few things I had done.Such as tell people.And if I remember right,he did say that he told his"friend"that it wouldnt be happening anymore.Seen as we were drunk,he didnt want to talk about it,of course I did,but after a couple of minutes,I as well thought that it would be better if we talked about it sober.We wont though.Its one of those things that get brought up when there is alcohol pumping through our veins.Not to many things bothered me on the 'eve'.Verns friend at the bar had made a couple of comments about giving some chick a bunch of lines and then screwing her.But as his friend was telling him this,Vern looked uninterested and held my hand even tighter.As the night progressed,I caught him staring at Tiff,watching her every move,good for him.I am not and was not concerned,just annoyed me, seen as I was right there and he couldve been watching my every move but who cares.He made some talk about how a big nice fat ass line wouldve been nice at the moment,that did piss me off.Not for long though.He couldve been shoving shit up his nose that whole night.He just wouldnt have been with me,so he made a choice,and the choice that he made was a good one...even if he did talk about it.I am learning.And the more I learn,the more I just kindof give up.I cant work hard at this relationship because I dont think I should.Anyways,I cant and dont want to.And if he wants to make it hard for me,well,then I will just make it easy for me and say my farewells.I am not going to let the cocaine deal bother me anymore.Its not going to be my life,and I am going to try not to let it interfere with mine anymore.I did tell him that I dont believe him on certain things anymore.That when he says something but does another,he shouldve never told me the first thing in the first place,because he isnt going to do it and I already know this.I gave up.I told him to be honest with me.When he says he is going to go by a friends house and then call me...just go to the friends house.Your not going to call me,instead he will give me the excuse the next day about how he passed out and such.I thought he understood,but he really didnt because he said that he would call me back earlier tonight and he never did,like I said,I already have given up on certain things.As for me,I think I know what I haveto work on.And for right now,I am just going to leave it at that since i will probably change my mind anyways.Last week my neighbor gave me a painkiller,tonight I took that painkiller.As of New Years,I am going to change things in me.I try not to make promises for New Years,but this year I am going to,and I will stick by at lease some of them.One of them would be the pills.Stop it.Not for a minute,not for a week,but just to stop it.Also the smoking.I am going to get myself the patch and hope like hell it is going to work,I am tired of waking up from a drunken night and hacking up both lungs...or what is left of them.So anyways,I took this pill tonight,and found myself not being able to lift my legs or arms up.I couldnt even move my jaw.I over came all that though and thought to myself that I really wasent liking it.And to think that I useto love it.Nope...taking that pill was something I do not like anymore.It reminded me of back in the day.When Kyle got his huge bottles and I could eat them like candy and not feel a thing.When it was"fun"to do it.It reminded me of back in other days when I took them because I thought I needed them and I still didnt feel a thing.This time I felt something and I didnt like it.I dont know if it was the struggle I had trying to lift my leg up or not,or when I tried to move but couldnt,butI didnt like it,and I can truthfully say now,that it wont be happening ever again.Besides everything,and the way I have been feeling,the holiday was good.I was happy to have spent it with people this year,and I was happy that I could spend it with Vern.Last night my light turned off in my room,and I knew that it was Kyle so I yelled at him and then told him about what I was feeling and how I was happy that I could spend Christmas with someone again and enjoy it.Theres not to much I can do anymore.Spending it alone dosent make it better,wishing things were different dosent make it better,so I tried this year.I tried to make it better by just letting things go the way they are going,and it was better.So maybe I didnt try,I just really wanted this year to be different and it was.And I was happy that it was spent without tears. 1:56 a.m. - 2005-12-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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