Photobucket I have said to much

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when the sun hides

The vacation went better after a long over due fit that I threw.I went to visit the sweet love today.Some times its okay,while other times I wish i could just push the gas pedal all the way down and crash.Today was one of those days.I forgot my glitter for the first time since he died.So instead,I stuck roses in the ground all around his head stone...it looked beautiful.I sat by him and wondered what he looked like now,I wondered if he was watching me,if he was touching me.And on the way home,I tasted the salt of my tears and looked up to the sky to see if I could catch a part of him.People useto tell me that"time heals all wounds",that
"things will get better in time",that
"everything happens for a reason".Time dosent do shit.Time is there to remind us of what is,what was,what couldve been,what isnt and what will be.It dosent heal.All it does is sit there and REMIND us.And if everything happens for a reason...then what the fuck was his reason for leaving me?For doing this to me?Things have not gotten better for me since he has died.I have realized that I will never love like I loved,that my heart is no longer mine,that he took it with him,that no one will ever have the chance to be loved by me because it just is not going to happen.Life is unfair,and I know that death is part of life,but what I dont and cant understand is why something like this would happen to someone like him?Or someone like me?Or to people like us?Some days I will smile thinking about him,other days,I wish I could take two guns,one for each side of my head and pull the triggers.My friend lost her baby,she went through 9 hours of labor knowing that she was going to deliver a dead baby,what was the reason for that?I wish i could tell her something...anything to make it better,but I cant,and I know this,I know this because it dosent matter what people say...it hurts,and that kind of hurt?It dosent go away...regardless.I hope she gets help though,the kindof help she will need,the kind I still need.Its to late for me,people tell me that its not,but it is.I have dealt with my ups and downs for so long now that its normal for me to feel the way I feel.Im going to the doctor soon though,as soon as I can get up enough nerve to admit that I need something.Some sort of colorful candy to pop and make it okay.Death isnt pretty,sometimes i understand it and other times i just cant get it.One day your here...and the next,your not.Your whole world changes,your whole life,for the rest of your life.Didnt someone say that change was good?I would like to scoop that person up in my hands,throw them out into my world,scoop them back up and then crush them into tiny little fragments of nothing...and then have those little fragments tell me that change is good.

1:19 p.m. - 2006-06-07

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