|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Figure me out
And I said that I wasent going to do it all over again didnt I?Yea well...when do I ever stick to any of my thoughts?I havent been eating.And when I deciced to cut down or whatever you would call it,it wasent as hard as all the other times.This time,I have food in my house.This time i didnt toss it all out for the garbage men.This time I am so called building myself stronger by having it in my house and not going after it all.I did not want it to go like this,if I remember right,I was proud that I was eating and taking care of myself and losing weight the right way.But this time,I think it might be a little different.But isnt it always?I sat at this party the other night and mirrors were everywhere.I was everywhere
And I couldnt help but to see myself,to watch myself,to judge me.I hated what I saw.I hated that I was everywhere I turned.I hated that I hated.And I dont really think that the mirrors is what did it because it started before that night,but the mirrors didnt help.The holidays dont help.The self esteem not being there dosent help.I dont know what helps or what dosent help any more.And I thought about seeing the great doctor.Seeing him so he could give me some sort of magical pill,but even the thought of being on a pill that could make me gain weight scares the shit out of me.Yet feeling like this,and being like this scares the shit out of me.I dont remember if I ate anything on Wedensday,thursday I know I didnt.Friday i think I had a sandwich but cant really remember,saturday I had a chicken sandwich at the bar but didnt even eat half of it,and then the mirrors were all around me and I picked at the salad I HAD to eat.Yesterday...
there was nothing.The Vernage made a pizza but I REALLY didnt want any of it.And today...I really just dont feel like bringing out any kindof food.
Stupid isnt it?Even stupider that I know its stupid.But i cant help it.Something inside my big ass head tells me that if I eat,I am going to hate myself,and when I did eat those days?I DID hate myself.I dont share this with anyone.I dont share my fear of food.And if you saw me,you wouldnt even think that I had this crap going on.I have meat on my bones.I have quite a bit of it,and it disgusts me.Its funny how all these people think I am so happy all the time.And whats even funnier,is that i am probably worse then most cry babies.I dont share my feelings.I have been getting better at telling the Vernage things,but half the time I am to scared to tell him most of the things i want to because I dont want him to think that I am fucked up,but I feel like I am half the time.Like right now.I feel awful...but wont show it.And if someone just gave me a good hug..I would probably lose it all.The Vernage cares about me,I know he does.But I think that I would feel better if I let him care for me,if I allowed him too,if I showed him that I do need it.I have struggled with this for a long fucking time,and I am so tired of it.So why not change it hey?I cant.I dont know how.And even if i thought I knew how,I wouldnt cause i would think that I couldnt. Tell me again I told Rodney the other night that I looked up to him.And its no lie.I told him that he is so smart and I get mad when he shoves shit up his nose,and that even though he has made me cry before,I can say anything to him now cause he made me think and the tears were always real,and that they needed to get out.And I even thanked him for that.And when I took a break from talking with him,all these people told me how good I looked now.They hugged me and "wowed" me and I didnt even feel good about it.And Rodney asked me why I got pissed off at those people,And I told him that they had no clue.He told me that he always thought I was to happy,and that he thought it was a fake happy,and I told him that he might just have a clue and that he might be the only person that does.And he is nothing to me.My bar friend,Someone who talks to me,someone who watches out for me,yet he just might have figured me out.
6:32 p.m. - 2005-12-19
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|
|
|
|
|
|
